everything became wundaaafEl again at... Friday, October 4, 2002.
fuckity duckity wuckity poo. mingie wingie is sicklie twickly nd extremely feverrrish. Fuck FUCK fucK. Jeeez, i wanna sleeeeeeep. stoopid mother fucker sign online!!!! ::whines:: if he dun get his ass online ima kick it sooo hard tmr! i am feverish, i am cold, i need SLEEP. mingie is having a bad bad bad bad week. OH WAIT> MINGIE is having a BAD bad LIFE. oohh shiZNick. lol da highlight ob mi dae...is sleep...nd subway rides in which karen brigns her luvly md fer me to grooooove to da moosick ^_~ dat wuz madd funnie, i wuz like dancing nd shiz [not reallie cuz ming dancing is....equivalent...of...donkey spazzing xDDDD]...nd den joyce changed it to baby got back nd i got scared. --;;;; but uh...dat wuz a highlight. lololzz...okie....ima go now...btw...im starting up my letter thing again. cuz i bought mashimaro note paper soo...i can do notes nd shit ! haha, now to find lil containers for it. ricola box, tin box thingie. md? hey daz interesting....hmmmz...okay im going to prollie sign off now...damn steve. ::Grrrzzz:: but much luv. peeesh nd luv!
Music - Sugarcult - Pretty Girl
09:14 p.m.
Archive

everything became wundaaafEl again at... Tuesday, October 1, 2002.
aiiishhh!~
all i can say is. madd luv to karen.
im beginning to hate this year already. I feel shitty as hell, i've been particularly insensitive, passing over shit i wud've picked up quickly if i wasn't so very...self-centered nd depressing nd shit. Why don't I ever follow up w/ my promises to myself? whats da point of my other journal if i don't use it properly? how can i claim to be what i want to be if i don't see? if i don't look outside myself? lolz nd i wuz jes writing yesterday...
can we dance and sing in the beautiful sunlight, like we know not of the sorrow that lurks aroudn the bend?.......can we, will we, should we live in that blissful innocent ignorance?
for their eternity enjoying beauty and life, i'm willign to live a death and despair filled life. to let them fly, let them take my wings. to let them see, take my eyes, to let them live, my soul. to let them dream innocently, i will survive a perpuetal hell.
i bleed for their happiness, i pay with my innocence my happiness my life
--;;; it all seems to irrelevant now. 3 times now. What does it take for me to look out? ::sighz:: lol, im turning this around to be selfish on me too. lol i love this whole guilt trip ourselves, feel shitty nd stuff. nd i love the hiding behind shit, nd revealing things on bloggers instead. i love pretending theres no sorrow nd shit. but daNg. diggity doggity foggity paw. ooz nd buffy....daag...i love spike. he's such a wonderful character. I have this thing for maschoisticism nd crosses nd ::sigh:: ooo nd also....Alias...vaughn u fucking IDIOT. i waited all summer nd THEN some jes to see you LAUGH nd SMILE at her? NO DRAMATIC KISS? YOU FUCKING WHORE! sry jes had to get that out. I HATE SEXUAL TENSION. whheeeeww. all done. ^^ lattaz
Zhou Jie Lun - simple luv

09:59 p.m.
Archive

everything became wundaaafEl again at... Monday, September 30, 2002.
by request of ms. karen kwanniE i am going to in detail explain about our triple lunch todae even tho u prollie heard already. lololz. um....
me go find karen
karen at subway
me go to subway w/ karen
swipe card
see 6 black guys
whistling, shouts of gorgeous and DBZ babies galore
me laugh ass off. karen sez iNTEresTIng...
me nd karen walk to bench. nd sit.
black guys come down stairs far away
c me nd karen sitting
comes over
space ming karen space
ming karen are surrounded and spaces are filled
ming laughs karen is silent
what school do you go to?
Hunter
College?
Highschool
so u must be younger den seventeen
yea, jes a little too young for you
no im jes eighteen
how about we make some DBZ babies since mai hair stands straight up and ya'll be azn.
ming laughs harder karen is silent
ming sez smartly - i don't date sryz
we work for R. Kelly seriosly, he's my uncle
ming thinks - r.kelly, 14 year old girl --;;;;
hey, you kno dis guy over here make braces nd shit?
yea i can prollie knock ur teeth out nd put them back in again. directed at karen
ming sez kindly, patting karen on da head, now y wud u knock her teeth out?
guy strokes karen's hair, naaahz, not her teeth
guy repeatedly asks for karen's name.
i whisper bulma at first to karen.
karen does not register
train comes
still asking
ming says, its Liz, she's jes a little shy
end encounter w/ 6 interesting black guys --;; laughing ensues.
karen is prollie mad, dey stroked her hair nd yet left me alone. lololololzz...now daz some smart guys. lol but dey were blind to speak to me in da first place. jesus, i break mirrors. OOOHH nd karen wuz wearing a REALLIE low V-neck nd covering herself w/ sweatshirt da whole time. ::rollz aroudn laffin:: okie. sry... its jes dat i dun get scared easily. not liek dat neway....but okay. mondae triples are INTERESTING. dey reallie are. lol. uh daz basically it. but udda den dat i had a SHITTY dat todae. i posted on my sis's xanga lolz. but neway, sry random...uh....okay on ss...HORRIFIC on math...BAD on science lab...todae is a gud dae...right? ::sniFFlez:: oohh yea, nd ___ keeps on bugging da SHIT OUT OF ME. GRRRR. DESPERATION!!!! --;;; um...okie basically thats it...me go work now...::muahz::
Music - Craig David - walking away

07:09 p.m.
Archive

everything became wundaaafEl again at... Sunday, September 22, 2002.
OIIsh shizzit. i wuz madd depressed ALL of todae. shopping therapy on saturday [lol a|x shirt to replace one my dad fucked up lol, red long sleeve w/ nice collar thingy lol, faded design jeans tehhe. ima whore man...dere stretch so its madd tight --;;] but neway.....all through church, all the way back, even when playing with cute lil kids, even while laughing at steve, i wuz cryIn inside. da same feeling i had at the end of last year....::sighz:: i guess different reasons. slightly. lol. ::dyyyiNg:: kill meeez mann! im not in da mood to live. nd i looked at joyce's proFyle...
life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the number of moments that take our breath away
im jes like...nuthin takes my breath away nemore cept for my tears. nuthin. im not ALIVE. im a dead soul in a livin body. how can i live like this? i dink i know too much about life. im not enjoying discovering shit about it no more...at least before i wud have purpose...trying to understand y humans are like this...so cruel, so horrid....but now i know y, cuz im liek dat too...nd its like....da only meaning of life is religion...nd friendship. but da cynics wud say friendship is shit, love is chemical reactions and life...is pointless. fuck it all. take it all back. take my soul, i dunt want this empty shell of a body. i'll live frum dae to dae mai purpose living fer mai friendz nd livin to f1nd a m34n1ing fer eberyin....::sighz:: i've sunk into a rut.

oo cuz i dun wanna leave u on a depressed note...
AgelessWanderer: *blows raspberry*
xl ever after lx: i wunder if neone sucks raspberries...

08:56 p.m.
Archive

everything became wundaaafEl again at... Friday, September 20, 2002.
shiittt...eba since i went to hunta...i wuz jes like...drop da past put it behind me fuck it...ebery1s so frickin innocent i can't stand da shit...but then todae i got pulled back into da past...nd one of my best friend's mothers fucking died. CRzy. I've completely...lost my obligation to my friends in elementary i feel shitty mother fuck. Ever since dat grl moved upstate i stopped caring people left me nd i took it straight. but then its like shit...i wish i wuz dere to comfort her then. Im gettin dragged back to earth so fast now...fuck. im depressed as shit. fuck me. nd den annuda grl got sent to boarding school in fucking BRITAIN. i can't bury the past. I know the people in my neighborhood, nd i used to be madd friendly...but its changed...i've changed...im going crzy...dat wuz my short rant...btw....im going shoppin tmr..sooooZ? ne takers? IM me.

09:40 p.m.
Archive

everything became wundaaafEl again at... Tuesday, September 17, 2002.
well im postin madd late cuz i wuz reading nd shiz...this weekend was okay..I realllyy wanted to go shopping but instead I went out to lunch w/ my family lolz. oo i fought w/ my mom again. haha. uh...other than that...this weekend was pretty gud. ARghZZZz, this stupid ass keeps teasing me...gRRR omgudness...how i wud love to follow through w/ half my threats. but ::Restraint:: is importnat. right? eh...whatever thats not important, i don't want to dwell on it cuz its jes so .... ::Shudderrrr:: lol...um...I tutored dis kid...lol..12 an hour. ::shrug:: not bad, pretty easy too. jes english stuffiez...twice a week. um...over all I felt pretty normal...the white choclate latte ice cream helped w/ my depression lololololz. I only had a couple of shitty moments. prollie cuz my sista was around for the weekend nd i wuz too busy fronting. LOL jeez im crazy. haha, watched the best parts of this anime again...nd its like...dang...i remember why i like this character...its like i love his ideals, i understand perfectly why he did that...I love his personality yada yada...daNg i wish i was dat perfect. ::snUffle:: lol. nd i've been planning sort of a one-shot, couple page story thing. very simple. hopefully violent and sweet. mebbe expand on that wierd blurb for english...but whatever...um...ya...im prollie using this blogger to track my depression...haha, mi friends are prollie like - ho shit this is one crzy ass girl. hehe mebbe i am, but i like the way i am so deal. I would go out nd smoke weed nd drink till dawn but I dont have that option. Akshullie I can drink at home but ::Shrug:: no fun. it wud be amusing for me to get wasted tho. haha. i wunder how druNk ming acts...::hmmm:: yea im random. lattaz...
Music - Creed + One Last Breath.
down to one last breath...
with it let me say...let me say...
hold me now.
im six feet from the edge
and im thinking...
mebbe six feet...ain't so far down.

12:41 a.m.
Archive

everything became wundaaafEl again at... Saturday, September 14, 2002.
im thinkin...again. lololzzz so much yet so little happened dis week. Im still dying, rotting away lolz. nd its jes a bunch of little things eating at me. um...hopefully im going to get my writing up to par again...--;;; i have a couple of writing thingy mububs. For english class lol. um...yea...but neway...I dink all of school is gonna be like this...I really might as well get used to **this** feeling. I'm wondering, I want someone who feels this way too, I want someone who is a stranger to me. You kno how when you make friends you go from happy light stuff, like fav. bands and colors to really heavy stuff like love and life? I want someone who I can go from love, life to bands and colors. hehe. So its like, see da person, then da mask? I think that would be extremely interesting. ^^ sooo...yea. lolz. um...posting my writing now lolz.

If you really want to know what happened…your better off not asking me. I’ve learned the hard way that I see things in a distorted…corrupted way. Ya know? Like one of those twisted mirrors in those fairs…except worse…mine is flipped, upside down and cracked…And now, looking back…into one of those mirrors to see my past…I can’t see clearly…can’t see clearly through the blurry darkness…can’t picture it clearly…that day when my heart fell apart for the last time…when those pieces shattered and finally disappeared.

Well…the beginning of the end started early. Way early in my childhood. It was all the little things ya know? How you start seeing too much of the world too soon. Yupz. That was probably it, already the lines started forming. Innocence never existed, only pain, so much pain. All I ever wanted…really wanted, like, bottom-of-my-soul, truly, madly, deeply, wanted was to stop the pain. Stop the pain…stop the rain…of the world, of the people…of my friends…

You may ask…”What does that have to do with anything at all?”
Its very simple really…the lines cracked, the trap was set, the guillotine was set, oiled, sharpened, waiting for release. Guess what the trigger for everything was?
Oh yes. It was a boy…a boy…psht.
Sure, I saw the distortion of the world already…from a whole other view…with a sarcastic view. But it was he who flipped it – forwards, backwards…showing me everything…a world…without joy, silly smiles, heart, and love.
Its never simple with a boy is it? Always some underlying catch you don't know the consequences of...till its much too late. ha.
But well…you know that stupid thing that girls do?
Yeah…that stupid thing.
We fall in love with all the wrong people.
Oh we love pain… that we do.

That was part of my thing for english. you dun get the metaphor about the mirror till late...so yea.

this is annuda one frum the catcher in the rye assignment...its interesting...lolz.

I pulled myself against a wall, breathing hard, the stupid bastard had left, thank god or I might have to take at him with the foil this time. Stupid player. He should choose some one else’s goddamn friends to mess with I’m sick of the crying. I ran my hands through my hair, half enjoying and half terrified at how sticky with blood it was. For some odd reason I’m always a bit morbid when my adrenaline is running…I didn’t even bother get up for a mirror, just winced slightly when I shifted my waist to grab my comb. My heart was pumping 240 per minute I swear…and I felt the comb just calming, the only thing that kept me from snappin and taking off after him in the hallway… Seeing the strands separate, the silkiness afterwards…albeit a bit ruined with the blood in my hair…I swear after that little…tiff…with that ass, I was washing out blood from my hair for weeks. I suppose it didn’t help that I was combing it into my hair, at least it hadn’t started caking yet. My arm got sore sooner or later, already it had a healthy sized bruise forming so I couldn’t control my arm as much…I guess the comb must’ve brushed a cut or something cause it was hurting something bad. My heart rate got down to 130 finally, and I felt the vestiges of my strength leave me. I got up to look in the mirror anyway, that in and of itself…was a challenge. I limped all the way there just to see my bloody face. Ugly as always, but now with a hint of…manliness? Ha. I had a slightly slanted cut on my left chin cause the bastard wore a ring and was sissy enough to throw the first punch at a girl. Also cause I haven’t been practicing any so my reflexes got worse…I guess…considering that…I shouldn’t have riled him up. The cut is going to scar damnit. My eyes were fine, I blocked one going to my right eye…the one with his ring too, if he connected I would be blind. Other than the one I suffered when he threw me against the wall, my head was okay though I probably have a concussion. The rest of my body…bruised on one arm, I think I have a bruised rib as well…I could see where he slashed me across my upper chest. Damn bastard, if I hadn’t moved back so quickly there would be more than a thin red line…my favorite black shirt was now one of those new fashion design shirts I hate like hell. All cause of his stupid blade. My sweats were ripped too, just slightly, they were the least blood thing I had on. My legs were just…heavily bruised. He did a job on them before he pulled a blade out. I should’ve known he still had it. Adrenaline pumping as tends to…block out the demands of my brain cells. Not only was I just ever-so-slightly out of practice, a head shorter and probably twice as weak as he was…I was also somewhat of a pacifist. I only fought two people in my life. My brother for practice and that stupid moron. I don’t fight, not seriously, I keep losing anyway. I’m not tough shit, and that suits me fine. By then I was sitting on the ground again, I can’t stand very long, I practically had to crawl half-assed into Diane’s room. I suppose I didn’t mention he took my medic kit when he left…he didn’t even want me to heal. Or maybe he was scared…we’ll see if he got the point or not…see if he ever touches any of my friends again. When I finally made it I leaned on the desk.
“Di? Y’awake?” Even though I knew she had to, we were loud.
“Yea”
I nearly tripped over a shoe while hobbling over.
“What are you doing?”
“Trying to sleep like any other normal human being…What were you doing with Jake anyway? I heard thuds. What the hell did you fight him for?”
Oh don’t get me started…”Where’s the light?”
“To your left…”
She practically screamed her head off when she saw me. I know I’m grotesque looking but this is just ridiculous.
“Jesus, I knew Jake would hit a girl but this is sad…”
“yea I know, gimme the medical supplies will you? I’m hurting like crazy”
She kept gaping, probably on purpose…Di never liked me ha.
“hey, sometime this century please? Or do you want a coupla games of poker to see if I last that long with practically no blood in my system?”
“Poker? Your kidding me! At this hour?” Bright as light bulb too.
“Its not that late…just gimme the damn medic box!”
She just sat there on her bed while I leaned heavily on a chair. A perfect host…
“What exactly happened anyway?”
“I’ll spare you the details, cause if I keep on talking I’m going to start staining your carpet.”
She jumped fast. She’s not to bright as I said, she didn’t see the wounds stopped bleeding even though my hair was tinted red I thought it was pretty obvious. She chucked the box at me then. That little…damn no more fights for three years. That hit my other rib. Thank god. I better leave before she kills me with questions or starts chucking larger objects at me.
“Thanks…” I think. And I hobbled away despite her urges to leak the story.
I need to think about something else other than that damn player Jake. I hope I made my point. He came away…damaged as well…even though I wished I did more…where’s my goddamn comb?

lolz, i hope this fight never happens lolz. but yea...i've noticed my writing always reflects my feelings and twists and covers them with lame-ass plots. --;; o1fZZ. haha okay...im done...my rant is done...died down...I feel drained as always...gonna go chill with my white choclate latte ice cream thing lolz.

Music - Usher - you got it bad , Eminem - sing for a moment.
Many many emotions. ^^
12:54 p.m.
Archive

everything became wundaaafEl again at... Tuesday, September 10, 2002.
hey....yeah i haven't blogged in a while. bite me bish...[lol btw - LIOR bit me...TWICE....GRRRRrrrR] but neway umz...i wud put up my new layout but...its sappy...nd so extremely sweet nd right now i jes can't take that...i can't do liz's rebirth thing, i dun't have smiles to give like margaret ^^, even roses can't cheer me up. YeAh...i hate the passage of time...whateVr. if i sed half the shit i wuz thinkin ppl be thinkin im gonna commit suicide or sum shit, but as tempting as that is, im not that much of a coward nd i luv the ppl. But like yeahhh....my lil excursion w/ pplz frum my church went well...i found out a lotta shit...i almost thought i cud've been happy...but for sum reason it jes went downhill frum dere. but neway....no its not fuckin PmS. i wish it was that simple. its prollie like a PERMENANT imbalance of chemicals or sum shYt. wuteVrz. jes gonna live my life, get shit done nd daz all i ask. If this "depression" rights it self...joy to the fuckin world. yeahz....did a bunch of shit...classes are shitty i feel madd stupid in all my classes --;;; jesuz fukin chwist....its very tempting to give up l0lz. hmmz...btw....im REALLIE gonna try to stop insulting ppl. im gettin toooo gud. im sryyyzz!~ i didn't insult ppl ova da summer nd im deprived...--;;; lolololzzz...uh yeahz. daz it...gym tmr...--;;; oIfzzz....okay...um...daz all i reallie wanted to say...this layout isn't permnant lololzz...its jes that it suits my mood best right now... and if the layout changes...i'll feel kinda wierd cuz it doesn't reflect what im feelin...so neway....dun wrryz man. pERkAy mIngi3 is kum1n bAk s00n. a5 500n a5 5h3 f1nds h3r53lf aga1nz...lol sh1zNIc. i've always wanted to writ3 like that. madd FunKaY. lololz...yeah im stooopid. scr00 yoo. lol i SUCK @ volleyball...random observation lolz....okay...yeah IM REALLIE STOPPING MY BLOG NOW. lol much luv 2 yuz ^^
Music - Eminem - Cleaning Out My Closet
i caved...i dl-ed dat...nd Dilemma [Nelly] nd um...Move [Ludacris feat. Mystikal] nd a bunch of pop/rap shit. godDamn i have so much shit on my comp....eclectic tastes lolz. yeah...im dink ob getting da cD - DJ SAMMY - heaven....i dink dat wuz it...im reallie not sure...wateva. lattaz ^^

12:18 a.m.
Archive

everything became wundaaafEl again at... Wednesday, August 28, 2002.
okay obviously the survey below wuz ripped off of karen who got it from um...margaret i dink. but I was too damn lazy to credit before. fuck it. but newayy....tuesday - lunch w/ chris, genji, karen, torrey, chiara, lu and max [friend of genji's] was very entertaining ^^ pastys vs. patsys xP but hmm...aftawards...payards...scary upper class old ppl...me nd karen on dark choclate yummAY! um...chris's house...::drooool:: its tasteful. i wud do sumtin like it but more japanese then korean obviously lolz. but yet another example of how the other ppl live...::sighz:: but neway...played games...oo! when i get my own mansion ima hire sum1 to play classical music ALLL day for me. Its so soothing nd stuffiez...hehe. um...okay...wednesday - today, 12:30 at a|x - pushed karen into getting sweatshirt type thingy...hehe. um...mystique - didn't get anything, too much designs tacky sorta...karen got her denim bag at guess...black v-neck nd white long sleeve at H+M after looking at a bunch of places...ooo i wuz looking for wide leg black pants the ENTIRE time. SheeZ. um...torrey got a cute black hat ^^ ooo nd H+M has the NICEST scarves...goooSHness. too bad i dun wear cream colored shizz cuz its madd silky...its like 6 dollars too...I keep thinking back to the madd long scarf that P.Diddy had in the video for "Pass the Coursvier" [sp? i dunno cognac man!] its sooo nice....nd Busta Rhymes had the NICEST white coat....mannnn!~ its not fair - why is white so easy to get dirty??? ::Growls:: but newayy...um...went to herald square, mid manhattan mall....went to mirror mirror on the wall or sumtin...madd nice jewelery but i wud neva wear a lot of it....::sighhzzz:: o well. den express. o. my. god. velvety flares. SO NICE. of course they were what...68 or 74 dollars...::hmmmmzzz:: while it wud be nice but NO. i wud kill them in 2 days ^^ found an interesting red shirt but egghhz, didn't reallie like it. ::Shrug:: den - THE BLACK PANTS. I love express nd dere black pants. So does karen but i like them loose nd not boot cut. but wow they had sooo many variations nd i wuz like ahhh!!! dere was one...45 bucks - cuffed, stiff material doesn't blow as easily, flare. nd den another one 58, no cuff, softer cottony, sorta a-line...guess which one i got....w/ a lil coaxing by karen [i swear she's paying me back for the a|x thing...] well troo, the 58 was nicer but the other flare one was a lil more formal - cuffed nd crap soooo...::sighz:: im officially azn again. damn black pants that cover shoes. xP cept mine aren't tight. ::happy:: but ughz, i usually dun spend dat much on pants. 40 the most. oooOO on the gud side... i got a save 15% thing, you can use it REPEATEDLY sept. 4-15. neONe going to express, ask me for the card. OOo im getting karen that bag for christmas or sumtin. hahaha dang im LAZY. but it is easier then searching for a bag during christmas nd stuff...oo nd den i got this coupon thing - 25 off for ne purchase over 50 so...dat means i can get a nice sweater or sumtin... ::scheming:: xP those velvet pants...hmmmmm... xP you kno im silly shuddup dun rub it in. OKAY! after that...mcdonalds...intersting....i wuz in mourning 58 dollars...20 of it my own. eghz. o wellz. nd den a craft shop...i got 6 starz to iron onto my bag...i dink i lost it...fuck....i spent 5 dollars on them....i feel stoopid....::must find:: nd den China town. ^^ torrey + karen drooling over patterns/ fabrics...::sighz:: velvet...silk...satin...ahhhh, luxury. xD chinese brocade... ::Sighz:: y do u plague me so? neway... dat wuz amusing. i want the pants torrey made...nd surprising so does karen. dey are sooo wide nd soooo loose...::sighz:: im so proud im influencing karen hehe. neway...spent an hour in the fabric shop...madd nice art shit. haha, me nd karen were picking up business cards left nd right. madd funny. umm.....basically daz it. we took the R alll the way up, writing in our planners practically the whole time...sooo funny. we must've scared ppl man...we have lists nd shit. i have an excuse for my clothing list. im redoing my whole wardrobe to include only - black, white, red, lavender, blue. I kno its still sorta a wide range but if u dink abotu it it cutz a LOT of color. hehe. i like black nd white tho. i have this thing w/ simplicity. hmm...mebbe gray. ::Shrug:: whatever. too much thinking. speaking of thinking...margarets blog...change...i've changed a lot...personality, style, control. everything.

I used to be selfish...I think...it happens when ur in elementary and ur world is small...I used to have such a short temper, high expectactions of everyone, arrogance nd shit...i wuz so innocent. oblivious...shittily oblivious but still innocent. I used to show a lot more emotion. loud, brash - i was allowed...young w/o restraint right? But now its like...dang...control. aghz, reflections of a strange person ^_~ ooOo style haha, used to be a lot looser, sportier i guess, jeans nd all....never wore shorts lol. hmmm....but right now my whole clothing thing is like...very plain...but i like it plain. i dun like attention... fading into the back ground is GUD. ^_~ ooo ppl keep complimenting torrey on her beaded necklace. as in upper class forest hills boutique person nd this person from armani exchange...sum1 has a future in fashion ^^ but neway...haha, yea...whose my biggest influence on my unhealthy obssession w/ black and white...if ur reading this blogger u shud kno xP. i dink...the view? ^^;;;;;;; im stoopid shudDAp. oo im getting glasses. again. my third pair...even tho i dun wear them a lot...my prescription went down...--;;; nd i realized...im such a gud girl...i realized i wuz prollie gonna mess my glasses up nd crap sooo instead of getting the semi-coveted [it didn't look too gud on me....it wuz just so pretty] Giorgio Armani glasses i settled for sumtin a lil less lolz. i dink it was a burgundy half frame thingy...hmmm i forgot. xP o wellz. i look soooo dorKy in glasses ^^;;;;; i KNEW there was a reason i ditched glasses!!! um...neway...i blogged a while...mostly idiotic ranting but FUCK it. its distracting its gud. nd Surprisingly im not mentally ill. according to the quiz on margarets blogger. i have 3 moderate nd mostly lows. i guess i have an unique disease ^-^ its called stupidity...o shit, daz a pretty common disease xD okay, no more cheesy jokes. beddy by time for mingie...
Music - Nelly - #1
dunt ask xP
11:47 p.m.
Archive

everything became wundaaafEl again at... Friday, August 23, 2002.
::You::
Full name: Ming Hui Tseng
Nicknames: um....not reallie
Named after any1: Ming is traditional in da family. damn chinese ppl
Screen name(s): uh. most used is definitely tinselwinged
B-day: 7-16-88
Age: 14
Sign: cancer - i swear i was meant to be an aries
Birth place: taiwan
Hospital: dunno
Sex: female
Religion/church: Christianity
Height: 5'4" tho i usually look taller cuz ob shoes
Weight: 107
Shoe size: varies. 7 usually.
Lefty/righty: righty - i wanna be a lefty....
Eye color: dark brown/black - i want dark purple xP
Hair color:dark brown/black - i want silver highlights xD
Hair length:layered so...varies from chin to 4 inches below shoulders
Piercings:none but if i find dat earring i'll get
Tattoos: nope - i want a bleeding wing nd cross on my back
Scars:my knee, recently my wrist
Glasses, braces, etc: i shud have glasses but my vision is pretty gud so i dun need them
Home base: queens, new york city
Sibs/ages: sister-18 brother-21^-^v Parents/ages: mom-45? dad-52?
Pets: none
Car: uh - can't drive.
Living arrangements: currently w/ my sis, mom nd dad but my sis is leaving in 5 days?
Hobbies: comp. writing. drawing. dreaming
School: Hunter College High School
School colors: lavender nd white
School mascot: hawk?
GPA: iunno...knowing my intelligence...about 3. xP

::Crush::
GF/BF: no
Name: eh
How long has it been: er
Sweetest thing they've done 4 you: er
Love, like, lust: i'd definitely just lust after someone. least personal...least chance of gettin hurt...but love is sweet...
Crush: not reallie
The person you wanna date: eghz no
What do you look 4 in a guy/grl: i'd prefer to be able to talk to them...about well, anything. so...intelligence but obviously as karen sed - looks makes the first impression nd determines a lotta things so....::shrug:: but he CAN"T be skinnier then me sheezus fukin chwist!
What do you notice when you first meet them: eyes, voice
Biggest turn on: erfz..
Biggest turn off: um...too much acne? skinnier then me? short?
Longest relationship: none
Shortest relationship: none
::favorite:: Movie: matrix - pure action almost no fluff. destined love nd all dat. lol um...signs was well scripted
Song: Alicia Keys - Why Do I Feel So Sad? - differs w/ moods as well..
Color: black, white, blood red, lavender
Car: um...which car has the hard top? ^^;;; i recently saw one in china town nd i practically fell over. so niCe.
Flower: deep red rose. ^^ iunno but i like giving roses - its a simple beautiful thing...something i want to be eternal
Holiday: Christmas - break^^
Animal: phoenix xP
Channel: not reallie
TV show: Witchblade...Buffy - when it was akshullie gud xP, Superman - cuz of Lex, Lana nd Clark
Radio station: none
Subject: english
State: NY Country: U.S. - I get to pretend third world countries dun exist Word: fuck
Phrase: fuck you
Shoe brand: none
Clothes brand: varies drastically - as long as i like the clothing i dun care what it is
Cologne/perfume: um...moonlight path? oo um..dere was this reallie interesting scent by vera wang...aghh! name..
Month: July...or January
Food: eel! ^^
Drink: coffee
Store: um. again, varies a lot...::shrug::
Place to visit: peaceful park
Day: 7.16 cuz its just like any other day. except im older ^^
Time of day: i feel alive at night
Shampoo: my MUsT haVe is Infusium 23 conditioner ^^ but for shampoo..um...Pantene Pro V, Thermasilk...
Soap: Dove, Herbal Essences Body Wash lol
::Future:: Job: sumtin dat gets a hella lot of cash
Marriage: no thanks - unless i find dat one guy - ya kno da head over heels/he makes the world okay kinda thing...
To: afore mentioned person. ^
Honeymoon: france, london, catacombs xP um...sum place nice nd relaxin
Where will you live: NYC all da way - im so used to this kinda life i can't live ne where else
Kids: uh...i'll adopt thankz. prollie adopt a 13 year old or sumtin...help them deal w/ dere past nd give them a new future.
Car: um...hopefully something nice nd well...fast.
What are you doin tomorrow: relaxing, mebbe a lil shopping.
What do you fear the most: a fear a lot of things...mainly that i won't be able to help someone close to me...or like something i cud've prevent happens.

::Past::
Go back to anywhere where would you go: Taiwan
Least favorite memory: i have so many of those.
Most embarrassing moment: ha! dere all pretty damn embarassing so no THANKS
Thing you most regret: as if i'd say this on a public blogger.
Favorite memory: i dun't have a favorite memory...I have favorite times...times of peace nd stuff
The thing you wish you did but didn't: um...as if i'd say this on a public blogger xPPP

::Have you ever ::
Kissed someone: um
Cried your way out of things: ha! when i wuz little
Got D~hall: nope - i always did things w/o da teachers looking
Tried to kill your self: nope not seriously.
Cried over someone you loved: yes
Betrayed a friend: no nd i really intend on keeping it that way
Used someone: math tests, hw i still feel shitty
Cheated on a BF/GF: nope
Lied to your parents: haha who hasn't?
Ran away from home: in my dreams
Got lost in a store: no
Got kicked out of a place: no...dang im a gud grl
Got drunk: uh...not really
Drove a car: yesh but not far
Been grounded: grounded? pshT
Broken a bone: nope but i will soon knowing how clutzy i am
Ran into a door in public: haha i dun dink so..

::1st thing u think of::
Rubber: duck
Wet: rainy dayz
Big boy:o.0 big boy. seriously....mind blank.
Candy: haha altoids xD
Boys: eghz.
Love: powerful chemical xP
Girls: mansion.party.
Death: rest from life
Mom: issues!!!
Dad: intelligence.
Quality time: w/ myself xD
Ball: volleyball
Bill Clinton: Monica
God:i really wish you didn't exist
Devil: fuck you.
Pie: yumz
Jello: egh
Greese: typo
food: yuMz
Grody: Brady Bunch - iunno why.
Bubba: big tuff lookin guy lol

::Which 1::
Coke/pepsi: pepsi
Sandals/sneakers:sneakers
Boy/guy: guy
Girl/chick: girl
CD/tape: MD xP or comp. so...CD.
Movie/DVD: Movie
Sweet/sour: sweet
2door/4door: 4door..
Outside/inside: outside
Rose/candy: rose
Old/new: new
Hot/cute: hot ^^;;

::More Q's::
Biggest Fear: i said dis already
Worst feeling in the world: dread
Greatest feeling: love.
Dreams: i love dreams...as long as dey dun include me as a fuking assasin.
Goals: too many to count.
How big is your bed: twin
How long are you in the shower: varies. 5 min to 2 hrs
How many times do you shower: 2 times a day sometimes more
What do you do in your spare time: sleep, go online, dream
What time is it: 6:42
What's today's date: 7-23-02
Who are you sending this to: blogger ^^
How many ppl are on your BL: im not on AIM or AOL

07:06 p.m.
Archive

everything became wundaaafEl again at... Sunday, August 18, 2002.
its amazing what a gud nite of sleep can do as well as a long tiring day nd light shopping. ^^ im slightly perky but mainly cheery. I have too much time to think these days. but neway...the dreams just keep on coming nd dey vary every night. its very interesting ^_~ i had a bad day at church --;;; but dat dun matta. um...i got sunna's bday present. white diesel shirt. Its not that nice its very plain nd shizzit but then I was just thinking mebbe I shud keep it....::smirkz:: ^^;;; i wellz....nd I dink i may just sign up for a xanga to comment nd stuff lol ^^;;; um...lesh c...::looking at list of have-to-dos for summer::
-get my domain moving
-start writing again
-go running
-nd most importantly reorganize my room. shiz! its hard to keep it clean. im mainyl gonna be throwing madd shit out. ^^
-organize my closet
-SHOP
-design a "system" for school
daz it for now...nd i have two weeks to do it in...nd also well...deres a shirt that is...well...perfect. I like it...a lOT. but im just thinking...to get? or not to get. im probably getting it...then I have to get the perfect pants to go with it...etc etc etc. did I mention I need to shop? yea ^^;; but neway...I have to practice flute now. i will blog later...eghz. i need just a week of pure bliss...or else im going to fall over from stress...pleasE? just a week? ::snufflez:: xP okay. im good. ^^;;; sense-less blog i kno sorry ^^;;;
Enya - Fallen Embers

03:46 p.m.
Archive

everything became wundaaafEl again at... Saturday, August 17, 2002.
so many thoughts running through my head...but the main one...why can't we be grateful for what we have? why are humans so fucking ANNOYING? why the fuck are we so...weak? i can't stand it nemore. stop it. jes STOP IT. school didn't start yet. summer is supposed to be drama-free. drama drama drama. keep the drama on television. keep stress off the radar screen damnit. but like...everyone has a distorted image of themselves, always being depressed about themselves. i have words to say that will piss ppl off. daz y im not going to go ahead nd say it cuz dat will make me sound self righteous nd bitchy - oh shit - i already sound self righteous nd bitchy. xP neway...can we all just...get along? please? oneeggai? Im just thinking...I need to make friends w/ annuda group...^^ its on the top of my to-do list as well as getting good grades, being perfect, being perfect nd well...being an angel! xD but neway...im not bishing at neone - dis is NOT directed to anyone. love is not life. if it was...i wud be dead....[nevermind dat i feel dead and drained nd poooped but --;;] don't let it take over ur life, dunt let it affect ur judgements damnit. but neway...dun give up, dun give in nd well...be strong. meet everything head on, admit ur stooopid nd get the fuck over it!!!!!! ^^;;; sryy had to get that out. u ever feel like ur dying? like ur struggling to get the air in ur lungs? ur doign everything u can to keep from dying? godz...leave it alone. and randomness...i wuz madd dizzy for sum reason --;;; gooshness nd i wuz tlaking to genji nd dis kinda hit me.
we tend to categorize nd oversimplfy in order to lessen uniqueness nd justify things. For example...ming says "all humans are bigots n stoopid nd don't understand nething nd are not appreciative nd shud all die" dat wud be an excuse for mass genocide. cuz im dehumanizing in order to excuse genocide. get it? we tend not to think about exceptions...like in this case, WHY ppl are bigots nd stuff, cuz sumtimes its triggered by sumthing nd deres a reason for bigotry. Or, dere is the occasional innocent. How can we kill and accuse ppl of bigotry if some cannot even tell dere right from left [referring to babies]...dis is why mass genocide of humans is bad. doesn't mean i won't decide to kill everyone its jes pointing out i shudn't. but since when am i smart enuff to listen? Jes playing. xP arghz, mai head hurts gnite
Linkin Park - Papercut

11:34 p.m.
Archive

everything became wundaaafEl again at... Monday, August 12, 2002.
ooo! i jes remembered my dreams nd dat i wuz supposed to blog about them. I have been having real LIVING COLOR dreams lately nd i've been feeling so...drained. normally i dun dream vividly but ever since the summer I dream EVERY NIGHT. Random things from chinese popstars to assasins. im freaked. i dink its cuz of all the fics i've been reading before bed but y wud that affect nething....xT. but neway I have many dreams in one night. different "scenes" my first one from yesterday was definitely Rurouni Kenshin...Im pretty sure the main characters in it were Aoshi nd Kaoru nd Kenshin but im never sure excatly waht happened. My second dream was much freakier. I remember being chased, being an assassin and well killign one or two pplz. iunnooooooz man im freaking myself out. i mean its like yoo....dis is my subconscious? nd i tawt mai consciousness was scary...daaaaag. ::blink:: o wellllz. im going to kinda do a diary of my dreams here so I can keep track nd see what dreams keep popping up...but ya kno i reallie wish i cud jes dream of moonlight strolls on the beach w/ hottie 1 nd cuddlign in front of fire w/ hottie 2. at least i'd kno i wuz NORMAL. or at least i'd kno what teh fuck was going on in my head...but no! no nice dreams of guys, fields of flowers, mansions, choclate or normal teenage dreams. eghz. nd da worst part...my dreams...if dey were nightmares i cud accept it but i wuz perfectly comfortable. confused mebbe but comfy. okay im going to do my work now nd den go to slepe nd c what happens...laters....
Music - F4- Shui Ran Ni Liu Lei
its not a good song...its jes certain random chinese quotes that are sweet. ::shrug:: nd it happens to be playing while i type this so..::shrug::
10:14 p.m.
Archive

everything became wundaaafEl again at... Monday, August 12, 2002.
im very happy. i got over my layout-making block nd i made a layout todae for the blogger. As I predicted it is sappy as hell with a pic of Kenshin and Kaoru and the requisite sappy poem...i'm very proud of it akshullie...the poem sorta outlines the history of K+K ending with Seishou Hen where they die under the cherry blossoms...together. It makes me feel so terrifyingly sad. And im thinking of the fic I have planned for them and its like...mebbe I shud make it happier? den its like...naaaaah. xP but neway...im debating putting it up right away but then...mebbe I should save it for when school begins. ::hmmmmzzzz:: o well you'll c what I think soon enough. nd if i like the layout enuff...its not comign down for a while...::GrIN:: neway...today was a good day. just planned a day w/ Torrey, Genji, Michelle mebbe Andy on Wednesday. dere gonna come to Forest Hills at 9:00 nd we're going to chillllll. lol mainly shop, see torrey's routine, wander around, picnic, and jes chill in general ^^ i do hope ::koff:: doesn't cuddle too much. OOOoooooOOO, im wearing the UFO's and the beater! HA! im a genius! i kneW it. ::koffz delicately:: as u kno forest Hills is an extremely...WHITE neighborhood so um...while I am TERRIFIED of seeing ppl I know, I still want to rebel...sorta...xP but neway...i dink daz gonna be a hella lot of fun. ooo nd damn i didn't write about my shopping experience w/ karen nd joyce. ^^ i was about to leave them nd chill w/ liz nd howard [which wud have been considerably more PRUDENT] but they arrived on the bus so I was subject to hours of shopping fun ^^ tehehe. morning glory, Epic I nd II, Forever 21, the GAP, Victoria's Secret....--;;;, Aeropostale, nd a place for rings/necklaces etc, nd VIM. haha mai feet had fun. but NEWAY im proud. Madd restraint w/ 80 in my wallet. I got morning glory stuff, tempted at a couple of dresses/vintage-esque style stuffiez but I kno I'd never wear it if I bought it cuz im pruuuude. --;; But the thing that took the MOST restraint was the necklaces. ::sighhz:: I was seriously going to buy something for myself but then i remembered my sister was going to go away nd I needed something for her cuz its da sisterly thing to do ^^ so I got her a REALLLIE thin silver chain. Very ladylike, very HER. ::proud:: haha. but newy...its nice nd wrapped, im going to place it in my sisters stuff when she leaves so its a nice surprise for her at college ^^ i hope she likes it. um...neway...i have to do my work nd study nd shizzits. im madd perky nd well there are very few things that can bring me down. lattaz.
Music - Vanessa Carlton - Ordinary Boy
i broke down nd dl the song nd music video. bite me
07:47 p.m.
Archive

everything became wundaaafEl again at... Monday, August 12, 2002.
im very happy. i got over my layout-making block nd i made a layout todae for the blogger. As I predicted it is sappy as hell with a pic of Kenshin and Kaoru and the requisite sappy poem...i'm very proud of it akshullie...the poem sorta outlines the history of K+K ending with Seishou Hen where they die under the cherry blossoms...together. It makes me feel so terrifyingly sad. And im thinking of the fic I have planned for them and its like...mebbe I shud make it happier? den its like...naaaaah. xP but neway...im debating putting it up right away but then...mebbe I should save it for when school begins. ::hmmmmzzzz:: o well you'll c what I think soon enough. nd if i like the layout enuff...its not comign down for a while...::GrIN:: neway...today was a good day. just planned a day w/ Torrey, Genji, Michelle mebbe Andy on Wednesday. dere gonna come to Forest Hills at 9:00 nd we're going to chillllll. lol mainly shop, see torrey's routine, wander around, picnic, and jes chill in general ^^ i do hope ::koff:: doesn't cuddle too much. OOOoooooOOO, im wearing the UFO's and the beater! HA! im a genius! i kneW it. ::koffz delicately:: as u kno forest Hills is an extremely...WHITE neighborhood so um...while I am TERRIFIED of seeing ppl I know, I still want to rebel...sorta...xP but neway...i dink daz gonna be a hella lot of fun. ooo nd damn i didn't write about my shopping experience w/ karen nd joyce. ^^ i was about to leave them nd chill w/ liz nd howard [which wud have been considerably more PRUDENT] but they arrived on the bus so I was subject to hours of shopping fun ^^ tehehe. morning glory, Epic I nd II, Forever 21, the GAP, Victoria's Secret....--;;;, Aeropostale, nd a place for rings/necklaces etc, nd VIM. haha mai feet had fun. but NEWAY im proud. Madd restraint w/ 80 in my wallet. I got morning glory stuff, tempted at a couple of dresses/vintage-esque style stuffiez but I kno I'd never wear it if I bought it cuz im pruuuude. --;; But the thing that took the MOST restraint was the necklaces. ::sighhz:: I was seriously going to buy something for myself but then i remembered my sister was going to go away nd I needed something for her cuz its da sisterly thing to do ^^ so I got her a REALLLIE thin silver chain. Very ladylike, very HER. ::proud:: haha. but newy...its nice nd wrapped, im going to place it in my sisters stuff when she leaves so its a nice surprise for her at college ^^ i hope she likes it. um...neway...i have to do my work nd study nd shizzits. im madd perky nd well there are very few things that can bring me down. lattaz.
Music - Vanessa Carlton - Ordinary Boy
i broke down nd dl the song nd music video. bite me
07:47 p.m.
Archive

everything became wundaaafEl again at... Saturday, August 10, 2002.
i am impossibly pissed. like i want to break sumtin so bad. I spent the morning shopping w/ karen nd joyce...i come home....my brothers dere- we take pics- send off my dad...talk chillax...nd my mom goes off. im going to kill someone. my hand is twitching toward all glass objects is that bad? but whatever. I plan on having a long talk w/ my brother discussing our mother. And then I plan on walking around forest hills at four in the morning. locking my door so dat my mom doesn't realize i wasn't home. Im reallie jes pissed to high heavens. I can't-I WONT let this overcome me tho. i can't. damnit all to fuckign hell. why cna't we be tolerant why cna't we be joyful nd shizzit. why do we have to hurt each otehr why do we have to be like this. FUCK. I HATE my mother she complicates things SO MUCH.
12:07 a.m.
Archive

everything became wundaaafEl again at... Wednesday, August 7, 2002.
okay well todae was interesting...7 train got FUCKED up nd i had to go all the way to 59th st den take the W to Queensboro...yea shuddup i shud've followed the madd confusing detour. So I got to flushing half an hour late...I knew Liz nd Sunna HAD to be at Nai...the problem was I didn't know where the fuck it is. So I end up checking out morning glory nd magic castle [i need a planner damnit] nd den im like fuck this - lets go to mega nd ask howard if he by sum miracle knows...nd den i meet zeus nd rebecca...I call kathy for sunna's cell nd den i find out...[liz wasn't picking up]I Had her number the whole fricking time --;;; nd den I finally get to nai...stay for a while...then pool aghz I feel madd stoopid - i shud jes give up mai pride once in a while nd be willign to act like a fool in order to learn how the hell to play fricking pool --;; neway...then we went back to flushing...got a new vball thank gudness...nd den I went back to forest hills - debated getting the xoxo bag right then but then decided against it --;;; nd den I went to barnes nd nobles cuz i wuz going crzy - i have SO much hw to do nd shit so its like i need a BREAK! so i go...after the LONGEST time i pick a random book --;; I even tried calling torrey/michelle to ask for a book but to no avail. damn teenage books to hell. nd den I checked out stationary...cuz nxt year im not gonna exist remember? so i wanted to leave notes nd shit for ppl ::shrug:: Im going back and getting stationery nd shit. Im starting to dislike morning glory...a LOT. But I still need a PLANNER damnit. EGHZ. I need to organize my life...::sigh:: neeway...I was reading xangas...nd stopped at sarah's...nd there was this thing "Why I'm a bad person" so I dink ima do dat too ^^ but differently.

Why I Hate Myself
1.im such a bitch sumtimes...--;;
2.i dun socialize well lolz
3.im too proud - i hATE looking like a fool
4.um...i crack mirrors daily?
5.i procrascinate too much
6.i want to be perfect but i can't be...
7.well obviously - im not religious enuff
8.i dun reallie stand for nething - like i dun have strong convictions about nething...
9.im HORRIBLE AT SPORTS nuff sed
10.im full of oxymorons
11.i wud like to help my friends nd shit but im helpless myself
12.i disobey my parents ritually
13.im not honest enuff to my parents
14.i dun't have a large conscience
15.i dun have a strong will
16.im fat - i want mUSCLe damnit. at least abs!
17.i dun have enuff patience
18.i try so hard to be nice to everyone but it JES DUZN"T WORK
19.im helpless to prevent fights nd shit btwn friends
20.i let out anger in violent ways
21.im not ladylike AT ALL
22.im clumsy as shit
23.i can't sing for shit
24.im too timid around strangers
25.no extra curricular shit
26.love - how i hate it nd how i sumtimes feel i need it
27.i keep dreaming of things that won't come true
28.im SOOOO messy
29.i have no conviction
30.im obssessive about weaponry occasionally
31.my attraction to the gangsta life lolz
32.my vapidity
33.my obssession w/ scheming/devious guys
34.my idiocy
35.my writing
36.the fact that i can't express myself
37.im hopeless at EVERYTHING
38.i doubt everything
39.i build castles in the sky and i let them crumble
40.i understand evil
Music-Ian Van Dahl - Castles in the sky
07:26 p.m.
Archive

everything became wundaaafEl again at... Monday, August 5, 2002.
This song always makes me sad because its FFX nd the ending is so sweet....but so depressing. I don't play FF - as if I have the time - but its still a really good story nd crap...::sigh::

Suteki da Ne? - Isn't It Wonderful?
Kaze ga yoseta kotoba ni // My heart, swimming
Oyoida kokoro // In the words the wind has borne
Kumo ga hakobu ashita ni // A voice, bouncing
Hazunda koe // On a tomorrow carried by clouds

Tsuki ga yureru kagami ni // A heart, trembling
Furueta kokoro // On a mirror where the moon quivers
Hoshi ga nagare, koboreta // A star falls, spills
Yawarakai namida // Gentle teardrops

Suteki da ne // Isn't it wonderful
Futari te o tori aruketa nara // If we could walk, holding hands
Ikitai yo // I'd want to go
Kimi no machi, ie, ude no naka // To your town, your house, into your arms

Sono mune // To your heart
Karada azuke // I leave my body
Yoi ni magire // Mixed into the night
Yume miru // I dream

Kaze wa tomari; kotoba wa // The wind stops; your words
Yasashii maboroshi // Are a kind illusion
Kumo wa yabure; ashita wa // The clouds break apart; tomorrow
Tooku no koe // Is a distant voice

Tsuki ga nijimu kagami o // A heart flowing
Nagareta kokoro // In a mirror where the moon has seeped in
Hoshi ga yurete, koboreta // A star wavers, spills
Kakusenai namida // Tears you can't hide

(kurikaeshi) // (repeat)

Sono kao // That face
Sotto furete // Touch it, just so
Asa ni tokeru // And dream a dream
Yume miru // That melts in the morning

If any of you read through the whole thing...hopefully you'll get what I mean...::Sighhhhzz:: Nd dey can't be together at the end ::Snifflllleezzz:: lolz doesn't it suck when even fantasy is depressing? wuteva happened to hope. lololz neway - was on a FFX kick. Lookign for pics for layout nd shit sooo.....iunnno mebbe my nxt layout? ::blink::
Music - FFX Soundtrack
10:58 a.m.
Archive

everything became wundaaafEl again at... Saturday, August 3, 2002.
Jes saw signs nd goldmember...goldmember...is HORRIFIC...signs is as good as i expected it... I have a new idol man...he's such a gud screenplay writer. everyone go see signs....::sighz:: madd gud. but neway....i wuz bored nd checking xangaz like the loser that I am and then Liz posts a madd old poem/song I wrote a while ago...a year? iunno how long but just remembering it is like wow...I wrote that? o rite that peesh of shit....nd den I started looking through my comp nd i realized how much I missed writing my feelings nd shit...its like I've been doing so many essays I don't c myself nemore. Nd the worst part is I deleted a major folder w/ a lot of writing in it...it had the beginnings of an original story nd my plans for a piece of fanfiction...madd elaborate plots and all I have is my poems nd more recent shit. arghz. iunno y but writing has always been like... a passion of mine. Or it used to be. now im just vague nd terrible. aghz....I was reading through sum crap...

Innocence + Me
When you've lost your innocence -
removed those rose colored glasses from your eyes,
taken that first step out of the nest and fallen,
plunged head first into the river of life,
cried over yoor first love,
and yoo've realized its all for nothing,
come and see me,
for hope will draw the hopeless,
and i will let yoo live once more.

a piece for my friends...I did this akshullie for a profile for my sn....fallen tears

Blissful XTC
Blissful repose in your arms
Lying in the night cooled sand
Watching the tender stars
Glowing, radiating its warmth
The heavens open to our gaze

Our hungry eyes taking in its beauty
Reveling in its hypnotizing glow
And hope is still alive
Though realties change
Though the earth decays

Forever we will lie
Hearts aligned
Lips whispering
Sweet whispers of profound nothings
Nothing but blissful xtc

This was for a layout from a long time ago....^^

daz it for now...i'll akshullie blog later....Ja ne...
Music - Paulina Rubio + Don't Say Goodbye
dunt ask.
05:24 p.m.
Archive

everything became wundaaafEl again at... Friday, July 26, 2002.
xT im trying to keep busy - im not going to allow myself to think - therein lies madness ^^ im worried nd iunno what im going to do - nd i kno i can't do nething nd well i dun feel like the good friend i want to be but what am i goign to say...life sucks go commit suicide? no man...daz my road not deres ::wink:: but neway....quiz stolen frum kathy http://www.xanga.com/home.asp?user=sHnOOzeE_kathy i read xangas...^^ i jes dun do da eprop thing cuz i dun do xangas lol. pitas all the way...but neway.... quiz...

Have you ever
- ran away from home - if i could i would
- seen your crush naked - nope...--;;; icKz nasty question
- kissed someone - nope
- broken someone's heart - i highLy doubt this
- been in love - ::shrug:: love wuzzat...
- cried when someone died - nope...i subscribe to tears inside with the pain and the hurt
- wanted someone you knew you couldnt have - ermz? mebbe? dunno ::shrug::
- drank alcohol - im no saint
- lied - yup. but i only cared about it ONCE [am i a sociopath?]
- sat by the phone waiting for a phone call at night - hell no
- saved AOL conversations - AIM xP
- saved e-mails - only the replies of the email
- wish you were someone else - hell yesh
- wish you were a member of the opposite sex - hell yesh
- cried because of someone's mean words - nopez
- been rejected - nope
- been in love - i believe i answered dat
- used someone - yesh for math tests --;;;
- been used - nice girls finish last
- been cheated on - nope - done something you regret - regret is for losers. im a loser

Favorite.. - color - black white purple red
- juice - lemonade
- cars - i dun do cars...benz/bmw/acura - black. nd FAST
- ice cream - chocolate im traditional
- fruit - watermelon? honeydew?
- holiday - christmas not cuz of religon
- season- fall nd spring
- breakfast food - fruit?
- place to go with your honey - ...? - makes you laugh the most - ur face i dunno man...my friends ^^
- makes you smile - my friends. i smile for them i smile through tears

who was the last person who .. - you talked to - Liz
- you hugged - um...joyce? i realliE dunno...--;;
- you instant messaged - dylan? torrey?
- you laughed with - my shadow...margaret/francisco?

do yOou .. - color you hair - nope [silver highlights tehe]
- have tattoos - i want a bleeding feather nd cross nd pool of blood yesh im grotesque damnit
- have piercings - wuz offered. turned it down
- have a boyfriend/girlfriend/both - none but BOTH? --;;
- own a webcam - i dun use it
- sprechen sie deutsche - german?
- habla espanol- espanol es para personas con no inteligente...damnit english all the way
- quack - fuq a duck

Have you/do you/are you .. - smoke - i dun smoke, thus i am not smoking nd have I smoked? i dun c it necessary to answer dat
- obsessive - rarely - but sumtimes to the point of blind panic
- panic - rarely. not even when my mom can't breathe nd she's choking in front of me
- depressed- iph u've read my blog u kno
- obsessed with hate - takes too much energy to hate
- dream of mutilated bodies, blood, death and gore - blood, death yesh. nightmares are a reflection of different realities
- can you do anything freakish with your body - no not special
- what facial feature do you find the most attractive - eyes and hair definitely
- would you vote for a woman candidate for president - hell yesh if she wuzn't a ditz
- would you marry for money - nope
- have you had braces - yesh
- when was the last time you had a hickey - erfz
- how many peepz are on your bl - 101
- do you wear white socks - yesh...mainly black tho
- do you wear shoes in the house or take them off - take em off
- do you dream in color or black and white - color
- are you wearing fingernail polish - egh no
- do you have any dimples - noo..my sister got the good genes
- why do you take surveys - trying to keep my mind off stuff
- do you drink alcohol - ...no need to answer that
- did you like or do you like high school - eghz...sumtimes
- who do you want to kiss - eghz?
- do you like sunrises or sunsets the most - sunsets...bring on the night
- do you want to live to be 100? hellz no
- stomach important to you - i want frickin abs...lol
- are you tolerant of other beliefs? - VERY
- you watch movies at home do you like the lights on or off - off
- you write poetry - i used to...im trying to start again
- which hurts the most, physical or emotional pain - i block both
- do you prefer a piano or a violin - piano
- how many phones do you have in your house - 6 fones
- how long is your hair - chin to upper back
- do you get along with your parents - hell no its a war man!
- do you like your name - my name is inaccurate i hate it
- were you named after anyone - um...ming is a tradition in the family...::Shrug::
- which finger is your favorite - middle xD
- do you trust others easily - yesh...sorta...
- what would you change about yourself - my idiocy, my looks, my stomach
- who is most likely to respond to this - dun respond..please
neway..dat wuz it...im going to bed now gnite
Jennifer Love Hewitt - Barenaked

11:19 p.m.
Archive

everything became wundaaafEl again at... Tuesday, July 23, 2002.
feel like shit...EVERYDAY is like this mother FUCK.
i realized i haven't written nething in madd long...nd I can't seem to get nething right nemore...dis seems like the best i can do...argh

Running-------

The past comes alive
in haunting dreams
meant to be forgotten
but like shadows in my mind
they come and rejoice in the night
polluting my dreams with guilty whispers
with whispers of regret - of chances missed

why? why did I leave....
why did I not call you back to me...when you left
i didn't say the goodyes - couldn't say words i needed to
couldn't respond as i wnated to
fear...the disease of the mind...held me back
i couldn't risk it...the shadows too tempting
the comfort of its darkness
held solace for my battered soul
i couldn't let my heart break
its pieces i had to pick up too many times
never again...
but now...the shadows have pushed me away.
into the blinding light.
why has it betrayed me?
for i had stayed too long in its isolated comfort
and now...I run...from regret...from the past
and from my dreams of you-

ITS HORRID. its tacky and not flowing. everything I HATED about my poetry has come back three fold. damnit all to hell. fuck.
Linkin Park + A Place for my head
08:07 p.m.
Archive

everything became wundaaafEl again at... Monday, July 22, 2002.
its amazing reallie...how fast i can crash down. I guess the cracks were already there but I never expected to fall this hard nd THIS fast. DAMNIT but its a damn shadow over me right now...
Work to do
- math hw 2 pages [i think?]
- english essay
- think of how helpless i am at helping my friends damN
- witchBlaDE lol hell yesh!
but yea...i jes had to say this...dun ever fall in love...dun answer when love knocks - bolt the fucking door...^^ no dis is not personal.
lol perfect song jes came on
Jennifer Love Hewitt + How Do I Deal
i love that name....jennifer LOVE hewitt....::shrug::
09:12 p.m.
Archive

everything became wundaaafEl again at... Monday, July 22, 2002.
nd boredem strikes

It is a curious sensation: the sort of pain that goes mercifully beyond our powers of feeling. When your heart is broken, your boats are burned: nothing matters any more. It is the end of happiness and the beginning of peace. --GBS

--------excerpt from HP fanfic - Draco Sinister [refers to a love spell cast on hermoine...] "What does what feel like?" she asked, although she knew what he meant. "The spell," [Draco] said. She heard her own voice as if it came from far away. "When I look at you, I want to die."

a most succinct description of how it feels to love someone lolz.
Music - Final Fantasy X [intro]
sigHz lol

11:31 a.m.
Archive

everything became wundaaafEl again at... Sunday, July 21, 2002.
i am SO ready to kill my parents...or my self. ::shrug:: which ever comes first rite? todae was such an awesome day...and then well...lets jes say my joy plummeted. a lot. not as shitty as the time during the school year...but pretty bad...and in some ways worse...I HATE being accused of something im not doing...I hate it so much...nd den I was playing the song from Serendipity over and over on cd....shittmatta ne...yume no ai...lolz hahaha but neway...i dun wanna blog about it reallie im jes filled w/ fury I almost smashed the present I bought for joyce --;;; Its a pretty glass thingy mububy and its soooooooo kawaii ^^ neway..i was mad...im still mad...does it even matter....fuck it all rite? FUCK IT ALL. I promised my self I wouldn't take shit...cuz I dun piss off people..and im not a bout to take shit from pplz...::Growlz:: lol but lets jes say...um...my nonexistant summer plans jes disappeared. so much fer dat shit....nd also...im never going to make up w/ my mom. none of that "im your mom, im the only one who will love you when others leave" shit cuz yea...it might be true but rite now...teenage rebellious faze where my mom is there to piss me off...and no other reason...im going to go crazy. Nd did I mention that I feel like im in school again? da twice a week nights of NO fucking SLEEP...::sigh:: I think I need a vacation. I think im going to take one...on my own...
I was planning on jes bitching and den daz it but then...omgoodness....daz da answer. I'll jes tell my parents im going on the college trip w/ Liz or sumtin nd den dey'll gimme cash...nd ho-ho!!! hotel room in times square....i wudn't go clubbing but still I could basically jes do whatever I want...jes on my own. ::bell rings in head:: oo I would SO do this...omgoooshnez. lolz...im planning...tehehe....::evil grin:: ah fuck I have to do my summer school hw damn it all to hell. ::rubs hands together:; wahahahahaha.
Linkin Park - Runaway

04:17 p.m.
Archive

everything became wundaaafEl again at... Saturday, July 20, 2002.
non coherent blog - don't read....unless ur reallie bored...--;; okay...good blog first ^^ my sister went up to binghamton for orientation nd she was a stoopid lil girl - making eye contact w/ drivers and then suddenly putting the panda pillow up to the window - distracting the drivers for a bit...--;;; she also glares at azn guys who are outside [clubbing? drinking? what to azns do at 3 am?] oifz...my sister is reallie crazy nd frank...normally she's shy...but neway...okay...dis morning i get up at 8:40...eat chocalate chip cookies watch cartoons ^^ nd den I decide to take a long relaxing shower at 12...so I shower...nd den my mom starts SCREAMING at my sister [who arrived home at 9:30] for not saying hi [da ge zhao hu] to my mom [note - she tried but this guest was over at our house at 10:20 working on my mom's comp and my mom was in the basement - unavailable...] so den my sis goes to sleep and gets woken up at 7:30 by my mom...nd den woken up AGAIN at 12:20 while I was trying to relax in the shower...nd den my mom screams and babbles about her nd me talking english all the time in front of her yada yada yada - i tink my mom was hit by the fact that the daughter that talks to her, the daughter that relates to her, the daughter who acts like she loves her is leaving and that reallie sucks for her cuz all she's left w/ is a bitch of an irresponsible, stoopid ass, disrespectful, no good very bad mingie who doesn't try and has no future and well end up in the dumps. basically...she jes realized she's gonan live year round w/ a bitch of a daughter when the other one is going off the college. ^^ so she's bitching and trying to make the best of the summer..but she's bitching...how much sense does that make? [i kno im rambling shuup i kno xP] I think my mom has chemical imbalances that bring on bouts of severe loneliness and feeling like she's the only one in the world who cares about her bsides mebbe g_d nd i dink daz fUCKINg stoopid - jes cuz im a bitch dun mean i dun care bout my mom...gRRRrrrowlzz lolz nd den my mom and dad got into a screaming arguement [not fight] about the youth group and certain members of it...did I mention ima kill sum1? sorry...this is not a very coherent blog...ur not supposed to read dis lolz but okay...im off to make plans about how to run the youth group - explain to my mom and dad that young ppl are DIFFERENT now a days rather than when they were young whippersnappers in Taiwan land of the lost puppies...^^;;; sry im ranting --;; fuck...im off..
Avril Lavigne - Too much to ask

12:58 p.m.
Archive

everything became wundaaafEl again at... Tuesday, July 16, 2002.
ahhh - happie birthday too meee!~ ::Grins:: of course its jes like ne other fuking day only i get to get stuffed full of yummieZ during lunch - i wuz captured from summer school/eating lunch with friends - but of course - i dun feel older - in fact due to my hair...I feel younger...by a lot...--;;; but daz not the point...::shrug:: dere is no point...i've been questioning my dear mom [gag] about my birth time...[i've always dreamed of being born at midnight...] well now mebbe its real...my mom sed afternoon 11:45-12:15 after i bugged the hell out of her...which means in the US it was around 12:00 am xD lolz yesh im making excuses shut up i can dream rite? but neway...I found out todae I like smart ppl...more like...crafty...devious...horrible people who can find out secrets at the glance of an eye and can USE it... and how did I find dis out? I've gotten very attached to Lex Luthor on Superman WB11...do yoo know how DISTURBING that is for me? first of all...he's UGLY AS FUCK but he's so very devious and he plays Clark like...houdini does the pathetic audiences of the 1920's [i asked dylan]...lol....did i mention he gave Clark a FOIL for a "sort-of-in-a-way-goodbye-present-but-not-really" present? "every hero should have a foil/sword?" but neway...I want one...::sniff:: but neway...im looking at my past track record of um...admirations? in real life and in anime...lolz... most are sword/foil related, can-beat-people-up ^^ i.e. killer, deviously smart but is kind at heart, quirky...iunno annuda word for it...they're strange but so-very-cool..., puts up masks to hide, dress really nicely...[which lex does...except for that horrendus purple shirt..--;;; but he's ugly...waugh!] iunno mebbe im jes crazy? i dink daz it...but i REFUSE to continue this analyzation of my idiocies so...um...yea...I dink i'll go celebrate my birthday now...[sherry? red wine? white wine?] jes playin...^^ okay...goodnite...will blog later ^^
Music - Eve feat. Alicia Keys - Gangsta Loving...weird video...nice outfits though...quirky lol 10:29 p.m.
Archive

everything became wundaaafEl again at... Monday, July 15, 2002.
i pheel like SHIT. is that new? im avoiding writing an essay on "There is a wonderful, mystical law of nature that the three things we crave most in life - happiness, freedom, and peace of mind - are always attained by giving them to someone else." EXCUSE ME if i dun want to write an essay on THAT rite now...^^;; bitch desu...but yea i'll end up bull shitting it. but i guess...yea its true...cept I think the "three things we crave most in life" has changed for some people...I dink it wud be more...sex-cash-sex. ^^ but PERSONALLY....the ablity to make everyone happy, a lotta cash, and maybe a guarantee that there is no heaven or hell jes empty void-like space ^^ unfortunatly I dun c that happening anytime soon. so...getting to the point of why I posted on pitas today...i love avril lavigne...did i mention that?
Avril Lavigne + Losing Grip
Are you aware of what you make me feel, baby
Right now I feel invisible to you, like I'm not real
Didn't you feel me lock my arms around you
Why'd you turn away?
Here's what I have to say
I was left to cry there, waiting outside there
Burning with a lost stare
That's when I decided

[chorus]
Why should I care
'Cuz you weren't there when I was scared
I was so alone
You, you need to listen
I'm starting to trip, I'm losing my grip
And I'm in this thing alone

Am I just some chick you place beside you to take
somebody's place
When you turn around can you recognize my face
You used to love me, you used to hug me
But that wasn't the case
Everything wasn't okay
I was left to cry there, waiting outside there
Burning with a lost stare
That's when I decided

[chorus]
Crying out loud
I'm crying out loud
Crying out loud
I'm crying out loud

Open your eyes
Open up wide
Why should I care
'Cuz you weren't there when I was scared
I was so alone

Why should I care
'Cuz you weren't there when I was there
I was so alone
Why should I care
If you don't care then I don't care
We're not going anywhere
[repeat]

iph yoo akshullie read through the lyrics....::shrug:: mebbe u c why I like her so much...its like...she points out some stuff other artists might not nesscarily deal with...iunno...mebbe its jes me? but go check out www.lyricscafe.com under A - she has some very nice songs ^^ rock-ish also haha i means she's not gonna be mai fav. artist cuz SAP has a large unfillable place in my heart...but...she's still gud. ^^
okay...will work now...right...not chat...
Music - let me give u a cloo of how my playlist loox right now.....avril...system of the down...linkin park...radiohead...brian mcknight...dj sammy...dj encore...brandy...ashanti...ja rule.
a nice mix...
01:21 p.m.
Archive

everything became wundaaafEl again at... Saturday, July 13, 2002.
i'll make my entries on life latta...
this story is jes sooo sweet. u dun reallie need to kno the anime jes some background
Sakura - sweet PERFECT - in love with Syoaran - wife
Syoaran - perfect - in love with Sakura - husband
both are magical and very powerful. they have a child To-chan/Toyuki? Daidouji, Tomoyo - beautiful-aloof perfect - was in love wtih Sakura [kinda still is..] her happiness is Tomoyos...very sweet wondeful person. she helped Sakura and Syoaran get together...she's my fave...she's very observant very intelligent and she'll do anything for Sakura excellent singer also.
Hiiragizawa. Eriol - powerful sorceror - Sakura's ancestor reborn into a new body. in love with Tomoyo. distant relative of Syoaran. can manipulate very observant and wise through magic. can foresee future etc.
im sry its sappy but their my favorite couple...if you knew everything in the series and how in love Tomoyo was with Sakura but then Sakura loved her as a best friend and went after Syoaran [with Tomoyo's full support and help...] u wud realize how much Tomoyo deserves a reallie fiiinnee guy. [i guess she's bi...::shrug::] and Eriol is like...the long suffering magician thought to be evil but knows better and everything...and its reallie too sweet...yesh im rambling but neway...even if u never seen the series...yoo'll relate. jes imagine loving someone so much...then having to give them up...and then having to satisfy yourself with seeing that person happy...and then someone whose gone through as much pain...wondering if he's human or not...whether he fits in...whether he's MADE to love...[can u imagine what its liek to question...whether ur made to love or not? when ppl around u are getting it on like rabbits...^^] dey find solace from their pain in each other cuz dey understand each other so well.......::sigghhzzz:: now daz love...lolz ^^ i love faNtasY. enjoy the story...tell me if u liked it...
http://www.fanfiction.net/read.php?storyid=423121 or email me and i'll email the story to u if the link dun werk properly....i wud post it but then i'd need permission and yadda yadda....::shrug:: i'll recommend other stories same couple if u like it! ^^ im trying to get ppl hooked onto sap xD
thank you for listening while i ramble...
Alanis Morisette - Hands Clean
iunno - i like the song xD
10:55 p.m.
Archive

everything became wundaaafEl again at... Wednesday, July 10, 2002.
okay i jes sent an email to a lotta ppl nd i EXPECT a reply...dang ppl CHECK UR MAIL...tell miss. SARAH LEE nd LIZ KIEHM to check their Hotmail accounts AHEM nd as for margaret i sent it to myst206@aol.com soo...iunno if ur gonan get it soo...i'll post what i wrote here so ppl can reply with their answers to nytdream@aol.com or tinselstarz@hotmail.com okay?
unno wuz w/ me...i dun dink im depressed ::shrug:: more like... xu kong [sry - sometimes its like deres only a word in chinese for it] i guess you can call it emptiness...or jes PISSINESS on my part ^^ so i picked a couple of pplz whose opinion i mite be interested in and i'm jes asking you...whatz ur point of living? no i dun mean da crap people front with. Not with the - i live to find love - but hey-mebbe some of you do, who am I to judge right? no im not suicidal [i dun dink soo...] im in my teens - let me go through my "mad at life" phase ayte? i kno WHAT im supposed to do. da problem is picking up my lazy ass nd going through it.
margaret - your here cuz im curious as to kno why the hell you haven't jumped yet nd if its nething like my excuse, nd bsides...ATHEIST
.i want an answer yoo akshullie think about...most of you will prollie be like...MING ARE YOU HIGH nd jes reply bs but iunno i want sumtin deeper ^^ dun i sound doopid? but neway...okay...so the question is [im telling u again cuz i rambled nd i want you guys to get a clear message]

WHAT IS YOUR MEANING OF LIFE? and a sub question for those afflicted by boredem....

wuz ur opinion on love?

everything became wundaaafEl again at... Wednesday, July 10, 2002.
i can't find liz so im posting a story timeline here. Its the order of events of the story but the story is not going to be told in this fashion okay? okay. xP If your bored your welcome to read...erz...

TIMELINE
- Danny [our beloved main character] goes to blow up the korean gang founded orphanage - sees Minsoo [our other beloved main character] who is a cute little girl [preteens? teens? dunnoo yet] and she's crying and Danny - who happens to have a conscience - can't bear to blow the orphanage cause its like...dang...its her home, she's lost everything else....
- Danny occasionally goes back to see her [secretly?] and leaves gifts for her
- Goes to pick her up after school in the rain and stuff...
- As the years pass....lolz. they start hanging out-falling in love but its never spoken...Minsoo thinks he only likes her as a little sister and Danny is afraid of what she might say if he confesses...the usual dance around the obvious...during this time they meet Eddy [I NEED A NAME CHANGE DAMNIT] Eddy is just that thread to hang onto...the typical bad boy gangsta but reformed ^^
- Minsoo's inheirtance????? dunnno but i want that girl to have CASH damnit
- Things are put into movement - Danny's time to take a high position in the chinese gang [WE NEED NAMES FOR THE GANGS] and he's supposed to pull off a hit on the korean gang...dunno what the result is...(maybe he does it and Minsoo finds out and is all hurt and pissed off for once?)
- Danny is rejected for having a korean godsister [maybe her inheirtance comes from another gang i dunnnoooo!~]
- They run to...________[Taiwan? lolzzzzz] the chinese gangs find them track them down [hmm maybe during this time Minsoo could be trying to tell Danny and Danny is trying to explain to Minsoo but they keep on getting interuptted...hmmmm......] Then Danny nd minsoo are tired of runnning and they confront. Minsoo is forced to leave the place and then the second she steps out of the warehouse, five shots ring out.
Minsoo runs in and sees the three leading gangsters leaving. [ - blond streaks/blue contacts dressed ONLY in white]
[ - silver tips/gray contacts dressed ONLY in black]
[ - black hair/brown eyes dresses in red/black/white]
the significance comes in later...
danny [black-white beater-blood stains...]
Minsoo can't cry[shock] takes out her knife slices down her hand - puts it over one of his wounds [five - hands, feet, chest] the whole your blood flows in me - kisses him softly - takes his pretty chain...and walks away, solely focused on revenge.
She puts her plans to work and Eddy[name damnit] pisses her off, forcing her to see that revenge won't bring him back. Minsoo gets annoyed - drinking/clubbing phase...Eddy slaps sense into her - tells her how he met Danny [a lot more is gonna happen at THIS point my thoughts are jumbled]
she appeals to the korean gang for help to defeat the chinese...she works her way up the chain - gets enough power - gets enough people pissed off at the chinese to cause an outright confrontation. during this process, minsoo does everything to find their faults, their routines, keep tracks of them - almost gets discovered once or twice. Dying her hair, acting as a prostitute/waitress, killing - thinking its all for him
Final confrontation - korean/chinese face off elsewhere while the leaders+Minsoo take it elsewhere. Minsoo again is not allowed in - this time by the koreans - someone has to carry on their legacy? dunno...the leaders are shot immediatly and she strolls back in with guns blazing. a knife to the side of the main leader - gunshots to the black and white leader. shoots hands and feet of the main leader and lets him bleed. Turns around, takes the koreans and blows the entire place [with herself?]
yes i kno - plot holes? EDDY? wheres he in the end...i dink he's going to tell the story...dunno but this is a basic outline - i went into detail for some places because those are the really important parts where I thought its out more...but yesh i kno its reallie crappy right now but thats jes the timeline so far ima add a lot more shit alright? but reallie I think the story is gonna be written in a totally different way. Its gonna start at Minsoo's drinking phase and one night Eddy just finds her and they talk and the whole thing with Danny is gonna be a flashback...and then after the drinking thing its like closure...and then she goes back to the whole i want revenge for that guy who never knew I loved him....and then the whole thing with the two gangs and shit. I usually set out a timeline and everything to help me write better. I do it section by section and I like having everything sorted out in my head and on paper. so - gimme ur response - liz TALK TO ME DAMNIT changes? helloo? biiisssh. xP okay...ima go do hw now --;;....
Alanis Morissette - I was Hoping
Its such a good song...its all depressing and its like ::SNIFF:: ^^;; she has the saddest voice sometimes...and I like how she sings this...

11:08 a.m.
Archive

everything became wundaaafEl again at... Tuesday, July 9, 2002.
the purpose of this entry is to respond to dis fucking HILARIOUS statement.
Supernatural913: ming u need a bf
Supernatural913: ur too bored
TiNsElWiNgEd: lolzzzz
TiNsElWiNgEd: how many times have i heard dis speech?
Supernatural913: not enough times
TiNsElWiNgEd: haha
Supernatural913: ill stop once u get a bf
TiNsElWiNgEd: lolz
Jes thinking - probablity of ms.tinselwingedbitchming getting a boyfriend.....-200 percent.
a. i dun want one
b. damn yo, whu wud be pathetic enuff to like me o.0???
c. ninth through junior year....im not going to exist...
[FUCK i almost died for a sec while i wuz typing i jes choked nd i wuz coughing out my lungs....whew...argh no air...] d. hunter guys-no offense...make better friends than boyfriends...
e. i wud become a sap...nd as liz knows i am SCARY as a sap
f. ming...guy...ming...guy...ming...guy...HELL NO
g. relations ships suck xT
h. fear?
i. ::looks at relationships of friends and exes:: NO
^^;;; sry for so many entries on love...i can't help it...im watching too much anime and getting too hyped....mai nxt layout is gonna be sappy too i dink..erghz. nd im working out a storylien for me nd liz's story...which is gonna be sappy...^^ okay going to bed now...gntie.....
Music - Ja Rule feat Charli - Down Ass BitCh
"You'd sell your soul to run from loneliness instead of giving urself away..."
WHAT SOUL? WE GET SOULS? nd we SELL THEM? WTH? ^^
"when ur walking in the sky, heavens holding hands with you, so you better learn to fly before your fallign through..."
i wanna fly...i wanna cry....
DJ Encore - Walking in the sky

01:28 a.m.
Archive

everything became wundaaafEl again at... Monday, July 8, 2002.
The last trace of 8th grade came todae...my report card...I guess its okay...I'm still keeping it frum my parents...::shrug::
Music - 94
English - 95
Spanish - 86 [SHITTTT]
Gym - A [LOL]
Health - 90 [UP FROM AN 84...whuse da bitch? holllaaa...sry ^^;;;]
Math - 94 [onli down one point. whheeewww]
Science - 98
Social Studies - 91 [only down one point wheewww]
92.5 average...93 w/o health yes i kno pplz are gonna kill me now --;;; i guess im mainly upset about the spanish...but he said no class participation so i felt a lil better. :;sigh:: but todae after seeing it I kind of wuz like...im free of eighth grade xD haha...but im still kind of sad over sumtin and i jes can't reallie admit it to myself lolz ur brains are prollie OVER WORKING and THINKING TOO HARD at this statement...lolololzzz....but ::shrug:: wutevAAAA!~ ::waiting for TIME to passs:: My chance for time to stop passed a LONG time ago...now its like...pass...go on. ^^ lalalalallaaaaaaaaaa hehe okay, going to do summer school work now...--;;;
ripped off of karen - Cecilia Cheung - Xing Yu Xin Yuan
i reallie reallie reallie liek the melody...reminds me of final fantasy...hmmmmmmm....erkk....

02:42 p.m.
Archive

everything became wundaaafEl again at... Saturday, July 6, 2002.
im baaaccckkk xD! akshulli i wuz back at 2:50....can u believe it? the retreat is only 42 mins away frum mi house! even hunter is like 50mins...--;;; but wutever um....the retreat wuz REALLIE REALLIE good..da main speaker for youth wuz Dave Choi [krn! incidentally mai friend also heard him on friday...] nd he's MADDDDD phunnie. he makes fun of azns nd he makes fun of himself and EVERYTHING. he also like rap nd crap.....27 years old..no wunder...he's like making fun of girls and dere hugs [not seeing each other for one period and squealing and hugging when finally seeing each other.....] and guys with dere very ghetto pat on the back and immediatly backing off....nd den he's like telling us about his parents beating him nd how he like....wailed nd stuff madd funnie guy. nd den i like our group leaders and stuff....dere human and lolz we were playing mafia till ike 3:30 in the morning...lolzzz...nd den like the services were reallie gud....i've NEVER prayed so hard for my friends like I did at the retreat...::sigh:: spiritually it wuz an awesome retreat. ^^
but if I were to be superficial as hell - i expected less azns...but upon arrival its like DAMNNN the amount of young azns...and then I naturally expected - nice hair/decent looking guys....and den its like...let down....but as expected...it is a church retreat. ooo nd sum ppl frum da last retreat i went to were dere xD madd cool...we're like...dun i kno u....lolzzz...nd den i realized that I like the whole as sarah put it cosmopolitan look and stuff...dere wuz dis one guy with like blond/brown highlights - kangta - philip [days b4 he cut his hair] - and then he only wore like nice sedate colors - white/black/blue [like um....yea...at our school] but then he wuz dressed like ALL white teh first day...madd nice ^^;;;;;; nd den on the last day I was dere...all black...very nice...not ghetto at all....nd also sum guys were raving [well only two nd he wuz one of dem1] and like he's like....okay looking...first impression - rat...but if you akshulli look at him - he's like eehhhhhh okay. sry...i kno i shudn't be doing this...--;; im reallie frickin stupid sumtimes but ::shrug:: idiocy is fun. lalala.....it wuz a gud retreat...AC...it wuz at a college so...dorms...i got a single xD...da only reallie bad part wuz dat i didn't bother bring cash nd i didn't kno we wud be able to play volleyball nad like cards nd shit...cuz i didn't kno we wudn't c mai muzzer at ALL...--;; will go nxt year PREPARED. okay...going to sleep now....gnite
Music - Linkin park - forgotten

11:39 p.m.
Archive

everything became wundaaafEl again at... Tuesday, July 2, 2002.
hey...interesting day today. first day of classes. math - erfz...um...i kno this? --;;; biology - erm...interesting teacher... english - [margaret yaayy] but um...very interesting teacher.....altar boy? ::blink:: but will participate - it is after all writing...ooo first hw assignment - printing out great expectations thesis haha.
^^ i luv life sumtimes...::sigh:: now im packing for my retreat xD I think it will be a lotta fun...time away frum mai muzzer....::Grrrinnnnsss:: akshulli not time away jes...I won't be seeing her EVERYWHERE thank goooodness. mainly just with my sister and Leslie - Gao Lei. ^^ nd i dink we're going with the youth group MAINLY so...I expect SUM sort of fun...please be fun.... pleeeassseeee...oo n erfffz...mai layered hair keeps bothering me...it gets in my eyes, not that I mind its jes it loox like im not paying attention when I akshulli am...--;;;; and as much as I missed having short hair [LOL yea rite] its very unpleasant to have it hanging in my face ALL the time...::Shrug:: ooo n margieee, tell me how u liked the james patterson book I have a couple more soo.....::shrug:: we will c...we only have ALL frickin summer....oo did i ever thank karen for my present? ::blink blink:: [tho now i am an official gay-ass] okay...im off to make a check list of everything im bringing to the retreat...cuz im a dork nd i like lists...[bridget jones] oo nd mai dad tosssed DICTIONARIES at me nd he's like "here have sum light reading" and im lyke .......... ............ ............. DICTIONARIES! [yesh im whining.] but okay...off to pack...and listen to music....
07:51 p.m.
Archive

everything became wundaaafEl again at... Monday, July 1, 2002.
erfz my mom jes sed da wierdest shit to me, she's been bitching at me for SO much about how I'm a bad child, I should get it together yada yada yada. And then she's like, you used to be happy smiling kid now I feel like I'm raising a friggin devil child and im jes lyke...u dunno how much ur right. but akshulli...im a lot happier then when I was in kindergarten cause yesh part of me says ignorance is bliss but I would rather have a deep knowledge of the pain of the world then to live in bliss that would be broken. I dink I was saved from being tramuatized from a rude awakening because I was raised seeing/hearing shit. but I hate that she thinks im not a happy smiling kid cause i'm a bad kid. she doesn't realize what kind of crap she's shown me and she obviously doesn't realize I don't believe in humans anymore and that we deserve to die, and definitly not the salvation of christ. and if mai mom starts trying to bond w/ me again cuz mai sister is leaving im going to SCREAM
and btw...I dink im too paranoid...I overthink a lot of things and I have unbased suspicions and shit but some crap reallie worries me cuz I hate losing friends and shit...and like I wished life was as simple as telling a person ur pissed off at them and trying to work it out --;;; but iono mebbe im jes too paranoid, I think I have to stop or ppl are going to think im on crack or sum shit lolz. but whatever...mai mom jes turned a would be good day into a shitty ass day. nd summer school starts tommorow and im going on a retreat - with mai mom/sister/friend from church which means....ima be avoidin mai mom like the plague and her opinion of me is gonna drop LOWER xT sum how I've stopped caring...::shrug::
Kelly Chan + Coco Lee - Reflection
I can't stand my reflection....broken mirrors...
11:23 a.m.
Archive

everything became wundaaafEl again at... Saturday, June 29, 2002.
hey...basically just checking in...im missing torrey's party [she'll be kicking mai ass soon] but then --;;; my parents were not very OPEN to the idea....AT ALL. sure i'd be cutting youth group but sheeezze. HOW MANY TIMES HAS MAI SISTER DONE THAT? but whatever...had a gud day yesterday...sorta...got woken up but hyper liz, called karen, arranged to shop - met at 12:00 [after I got harassed by people from my old school god no] bourne identity sucked....A LOT - of course liz and karen thought it funny to use me for a fricking pillow...not that I minded but if the lights were on I'd either look lesbian or lyke a pimp....--;;;; nd im neither. nd den we walked around looking for painkillers for karen n liz...nd den we walked around for a place to eat...deres sum wierd bbq place aorund 42nd street. the best part bout the restaurant tho...the spanish waiter...WAHAHHA. first liz orders a Texas size mango pina colada. while the rest of us decide. And then the waiter asked "virgin or regular". I almost choked laughing and I had expected liz to say regular but she's a gud lil girl and sez virgin. ^^ i can't believe the waiter asked we're only um...7 years under age? neway...liz and karen had lyke...bbq chicken shit...i had caesar's salad...dun slap me....nd also a virgin NORMAL sized watermelon pina colada...it wuz interesting....nd den we went and got liz timberlands...annuda pair of originals for her to ruin ^^ nd den we went to macys...to look for presents and jeans. me n karen lost liz ^^. nd den we got a starbucks gift card for torrey....haha. nd den we went for taro bubble tea in the sago...in the macys....--;;; [btw, taro is nasty but a nice color haha] and den we contacted liz [cell] nd she wuz a darling lil girl...in the fuking VILLAGE. so we went down dere [after sum trouble with reading signs and my idiocy --;;] nd naturally...armani exchange...^^;;; liz found a blue shirt she reallie reallie liked...nd since she has no self control - like karen - she got it. nd afta banana republic - to look for a white v neck for karen which they lacked - karen went to armani to my star v-neck...i think she shud've gotten the black one [so she wudn't have the same shirt but ALSO cuz starz look better on the black one...i dink i mite go back and get a black one for myself...^^;;;;;;;] nd den she wanted to me to choose a present...nd I was looking around and half the stuff was erm...kinda...low. so den I went to the guys section cuz liz sed dey had nice stuff...nd den karen does the oifff...dis brings back memories...so naturally im a TERRIBLE person n I want to make karen get me that excat shirt [i dun dink dey even had it but daz not the point] but its guys - armani exchange, and to tell the truth...I liked it better than the girls and its loose and comfy...nd den I UNFORTUNATELY asked liz nd she sed...ur scrawny, u wudn't look gud in guys shirts...I sweatdrop massively and admit I was going to use it to sleep in or sumtin. is that so wrong? ::blink blink blink:: but now...anna's gonna call me a jap..endlessly...one shirt was okay, it was cute, it was whimsical...two shirts...even as a present...waaahhhh. ::shrug:: will deal with later. nd den after staying on the line for how fRICKIN long we got out, we got liz cK jeans...lolololzzz...her moms gonna kick her ass cuz she wasn't supposed to get the shirt ^^ but then knowing her, she'll hide it from her mom like crazy. but okay...got home....watched tv...did chinese hw --;; nd fell asleep. oooo....my mom almost died on thursday. she was eating this flaky thing and it didn't go down properly, and to add to that, dere was a lot of dust from air condition and cleaning of the room so she starts choking, we go for water but half way down the hall way [i wuz leading] she gasps and den her eyes widen and she's like "i can't breathe" in a raspy voice and she's lyke trying to breathe, up down, up down but she cudn't nd den at I yelled at my sister to get water, and after a while, my mom calmed down nd started breathing and drank water....the funny part is...she was dying....I didn't freak out or scream like I thought I would have...I was pretty clear headed...i dink im very clear headed under insanity ::proud:: but the next time it happens i'll freeze up and topple over ^^. and I just noticed...I dun break down a lot...I've only done it 2 or 3 times in my life, once wen I ruined my record of 99's on city wides with a [dun kill me] 98...^^;; nd den once wen i was doing my term paper and den I fell asleep...nd woke up at 5 nd den I realized I cudn't finish it...I cracked for a bout a minute nd den I was just like FUCK it nd started working...the last time was sort of recent...after having ice cream thrown at my head ^^ nd being called a fucking worthless stupid moron or sumtin...::shrug:: it didn't help I was sore from playing volleyball and having my insides WRENCHed...I collapsed kind of...and den I started rolling in laffter....oif...I have a letter I wrote to liz after that incident...
I was down in the basement before studying and now after 5 hrs I’m locked away in my room typing this. I wrote a letter to you in the basement and its not really rational but more train of thought because I wasn’t very coherent… I like, just died. Like all the happiness just drained out of me and I just literally collapsed and rolled on the floor crying, laughing and growing hair on my ass. I guess my parents had enough and they just decided to scream the shit out of me. Its really funny actually cuz I was just standing there not even sad, just staring blankly at them and then suddenly my mouth just forced itself down, it was pure impulse, I had no control over my muscles and then tears started welling up and I wanted to laugh really hard and just fall down and laugh my ass off till I realized that I was being scolded and I couldn’t laugh really…cuz I’d prolli get screamed at more. So I tried to hold it in and meanwhile a tear falls. And then another and another and all I can think is why do I have to cry in front of my parents? Why? So then meanwhile they’re screaming their heads off, throwing ice cream at me. Yesh, ICE CREAM! And spit and water. I felt lovely. ^^ And it was kinda funny when my dad came over and grabbed my head and threw it like he did the ice cream container and got spit all over me. I think I’m going to get drunk now…[lol I tried sherry yesterday and damn it tastes REALLY BAD] and iono, I need something bitter right now, I really really really need some. And yesh I kno its cause my parents fucking love me that they treat me like shit but I kinda want to just say “fuck you, don’t love me if it causes you that much pain” and then I Just want to fucking stab myself, but I don’t have the courage ^^ lol and after I crawled into the basement, I fell on the floor laffing etc. Then I started like…talking to myself. Just repeating the same lines over and over again I thought I was going fuckign crazy. I was literally saying “Why am the fuck am I so stupid”, “shit I’m so useless and stupid”, “fuck me im stupid”, “why can’t I Just fucking die”, “get me out of this life” etc. N dat reminds me, my parents accused me of not knowing what kind of smartass man eat man world it is. She said I don’t know shit. Which is FUCKING HILARIOUS cuz over these 2 years I’ve started knowing too much shit. And I think I was REALLY broken up about that, they just don’t get me….lolz…and then my dad just threatened to transfer me yet again but he kinda looked serious *gasp* lolz. Nice right? O and then I had to go and say “I already knew what your trying to tell me, I know what I’m supposed to do….blah blah blah its just hard to change.” Then my dad got even more pissed and went on and on about how I don’t know shit and how he would make me change even if he had to beat me to death. ^^ lovely right? And then he said he said he and my mom love and that their hearts ache whenever they see me wasting my youth. And then he went on to say “your fucking under my roof so you will listen to my damn rules so too bad. Yada yada” and then I was really tempted to laugh again but they were pissed so then my tears just kept on fucking dropping. *shrug*
nd den of course i had to also have another revelation...so my mental state was not to good day... I dink it was the day before long answer math final....
now and then, yea I tear up when I can't stop thinking...but then sometimes I'm jes like pushing against a stampede of thoughts....::shrug:: [yesh i kno im a drama mama and DAMN proud too LOL] but neway...interesting hmm? ^^;;; jes had to get that off my chest....gud job if yoo stuck by this long. i love you!
Music - akshulli...i spent a long time dl-ing Ja Rule + Ashanti's songs...feat. ppl like fat joi, charli, vita and im also listening to system of a down ^^, avril lavigne, paulina rubio, and DJ Sammy & Yanou feat. Do - Heaven (Radio Version). so....yea...^^ oo yea, deres dish reallie swt line in Down With You [Ja Rule, Charli, Ashanti, Vita] its like "God looks after children and fools and your not, so who gonna look after you..." even tho I disagree, I dink God looks after us all, cuz we're all fools...........but I like the idea. lolz wud u mind if yoo had sum1 to look after you? ^_~

10:44 a.m.
Archive

everything became wundaaafEl again at... Wednesday, June 26, 2002.
im done w/ mai bitch ass 8th grade shit. --;; i dink i wuz ramblin for most of it but neway...im in pain. in hellaaa lot of pain and confusion. losing urself is not fun not cool feelign ur heart beat faster just at seeing something...NERF. neway...I reallie hope its not what I think Im feeling cuz if it is then shit on me y da hell am I so fuked up? YYYYYYYYYY? but its prolli not, prolli confusing something for something else...pleaaaaseee be...sorry im vague but I can barely stand it myself, bear with me. I wish I had perfect control over my brain, over my emotions and shit. I could stop my hand from clicking on that object, I could stop my thoughts from wandering into memories. but no, all I can do is wince and play my music louder. music soothes the savage beast, or the very disobedient mind. ^^ dun bother trying to figure this entry out cuz ur prolli gonna get the wrong idea ^^ but neway...about my parents....FUCK YOU. I LOVE YOU CUZ U TAKE CARE OF MAI IDIOCY BUT GET OFF AND CHILL OUT CUZ IMA SLAP YOU IF YOU EVER GET ON MY CASE AGAIN AND IF YOU PUSH ME FAR ENUFF I WILL START PUSHING BACK EVEN IF I HAVE TO HURT MYSELF TO HURT YOU. I hate to be a good girl, and start pulling up my grades cuz mai parents will pat themselves on the back and say that THEY straightened me out...when they did JACK FUCKING SHIT. am I too dramatic? ::blink:: sry jes a LITTLE pissed. dun mind me...and not to mention the threat of report cards hovering over me...shit ass mofo....^^;;; but wutever...writing story for torrey. hehe. i dunno...deres sumtin bout torrey y am I so very drawn to her...NO IM NOT FUKIN LESBIAN its jes so wierd...i dink im protective of her...but more so than liz n co. cuz she's smaller and iono....she loox fragile and it seems like love hates her...she's also the best singer...::sigh:: o well wtuever...lattas....
music - Matchbox 20 - If your Gone
iph yoor gone lol
09:15 p.m.
Archive

everything became wundaaafEl again at... Wednesday, June 26, 2002.
I want to end 8th Grade...closure with relationships. [LOL] so many things happened in eighth grade, sum things that make me sad, sum things that make living worthwhile And most of all...I found my first love...dat is...my friends. i'll explain that latta. ^^
when i started eighth grade i thought...god no annuda year of hell...its school...but it wuz REALLIE fun...all of us were friends, we could stand each other, we could talk and it wasn't fucking TENSE. movies, lunch...daz how school is supposed to be, we learn sum shit but most of all we make friends. and I started liking school, certainly not the work but definitly the people in it, I thought, hey its all good but of course im a naive lil girl right? and I dun see the cracks alreadie forming...I guess the first major thing that reallie kinda sucked ass was liz and ed breaking up...I was just getting used to see them around [yesh i missed frickin TALKING to liz] but she was high and happy, and ed MADE her happy. And then it wuz like...god i DUNT believe in love nemore...how the hell am I supposed to think its this awesome thing when it does THIS to people? but yea...i have drama problems...I blow things out of proportion but I just look at it and I think...theres a reason why I like fantasy...cause in a world separate from ours, love EXISTS...love is actually true there...and then annuda tiny very uncommunicating relationship...::sigh:: i kno ppl are going to think, wth is she doing dragging up all this shit frum da past...but hey...its a review of eighth grade, dun read it iph yoo must i dun give a shit...this is my personal bitching page...if yoo cant stand it...you dunt have to. but on a really good note...a couple got together and STAYED together this year...and im so happy for them...hell, im not even frickin gud friends but then I see them around and its like...please let them stay together. and then suddenly people started sectioning off...I dink dat reallie annoyed me out of everythign that was happening...true to form I just got out of the way but then its like...wth happened to our peace? If you can't stand peoples personalities....its not like we're asking you too...just be fucking CIVIL...yesh I sound like a self-righteous bitch. I have a stick up mai ass rememba? okay and then...annuda slightly meaningless relationship...--;;; dat took a while to solve...urghz. And then afta that...I think I just got closer with a lot of people, got distant from others...and just watched while people ignored each other...and then recently I just started hating myself cause for the first time in my whole fucking life...I had to do something I had promised myself not to do...and every day I think about it and I just HATE looking a myself in the mirror cause then dat means I would see that stupid bitch who can't get shit right...but I hope I never have to do it again because...I think I have very little morals already and if I break the rest...I'll become what I try every day not to.
another thing is...I kind of ignored Torrey all year and I think that bothered me more than anything cause she's a sweet girl and I would've loved to been there to tease her and listen to her gripes about shit and been a better friend to her as well as the people I talk a lot more too...::sigh:: did I mention I hate cliques? hate hate hate hate with a passion? xT but it doesn't matter cause in ninth grade its gonna change.....but wutever...argh i jes remembered...I feel so bad now...the people who I asked for help on the tests...I feel so bad, it feels like I just took advantage of their kindness, its like I barely speak to these people...hell...I DON'T speak to some of them and then they help me out with problems and shit...argh...now I feel reallie fuking trashy and such a user --;;
daz bascallie all my complaints...stuff fell apart...I guess no matter how much I say im not innocent, some part of me reallie is naive, reallie is that stupid....but then there were so many good parts...the best was that I let myself find a way to understand people, even if its not even right, even if its just my own flawed thinking...it lets me put up with people, it lets me kind of get their personality and it lets me accept it which is the most important thing for me. We're all human beings, meaning we're suckers and bitches...so...if we can somehow get over that and start seeing the good parts and learn to be tolerant...than somethings that happened in eighth grade wudn't have...what happened to dat first report card day? Where we all bascially just sat on the stairs and shared our gripes about our lack of life? How screwed we were? ::shrug:: iono, it must be me being insane and sappy.
yes even tho I find myself regretting a bunch ofstuff this year, thinking of all the shit i could've done better, I'm reallie happy about some stuff...I gained a couple of new friends...and it really bothers me...tracey...jackie, y da hell do dey have to go? i BARELY got a friendship started with them and its lyke, o...your leaving...okay...well good luck, im probably never going to see you again! and then the last person...I got a lot closer too...tracey and jackie were more friends...and I guess I was to wrapped up with other people to understand that I had to cherish their presence...I'll never know what i'll be missing...but then the last person...I got a lot closer too and I guess I will know what Im going to be missing...lolz a lotta ppl are going to be lyke "wth....do yoo have a crush on him or sumtin wtff...." and no dears, I dun have a crush on howard and waht im about to say may cause you to loose respect for me or something but frankly...i dun like being fake and all of sudden I dink I turned fake at the end of this year...cause I found that I understood mebbe y he was the way he was while people were losing respect for him....mebbe its cuz im christian, the enviroment i've been raised in...and me having to live with myself for 13+ years...frankly...it scares me how bad I think i can be...if I was born in any enviroment besides CHRISTIAN then I think...I would be worse off than howard...try dead in the streets at age 12...--;;; its wierd for me cause I look at him and I see what I could have been...yes I know I sound madd wierd lolz. but iono, I would like to think that I became at least okay friends with him...lolz i dink i befriended him over report cards and margaret ^^ [she's gonna kick mai ass now] but neway...I was just thinking...prollie never hear his sarcastic humor again ::shrug:: im a sap remember?
and den deres all the bunches of people I had the honor of being friends with this year hehe. dese people are going to make hunter fun... please dun make me list you please nooooooo xT dat wud take up all of mai fricking blog okay?! howard is dere cuz he's leaving okay? wen yoo leave i'll do a blog on yoo...please dun leave.....x( but neway [lol i jes lost mai train of thought cuz i took a break and got food --;;] but neway...good points about eighth grade...definitly the people...and the whole work shit...it gave me a huge insight into what my highschool career is gonna be like...and I just think and I realize...deres no way ima be able to do this...im not karen or joyce I can't juggle work and fun and still get fuking 99's in every class...so eighth grade was essential the end of all my fun...next year im not chillin, im not going to be there after school to talk to...im not going to be able to do shit...cause im praying for my future...and im working for my future...i promise i'll still be dere if you need me...just call me up when you need to talk or IM me and i'll be dere cause its not that im giving up on making friends or sumtin...its just that im setting it aside cause im waiting on the future...iono if people realize how much i love the people im friends with...am I foolish to love them? no. [but if sum1 ever betrays me ima be lyke DOH] but back to my thoughts....eighth grade was it. das it. no more fun for mingie, mingies gonna be a dull child. its just that i think all im goign to be able to do is give you your presents, say my hellos and goodbyes and exchange hugs...unless your in my class or something but...I dun foresee long talks into the night or something cause...im going to work --;; [yea rite] but basically thats it...thats most of my thoughts on eighth grade, I made friends with strange ass ppl in my class and I realized I like hanging out with people...and that I had a good year which well probalby never happen again...so basically...bye...thank you for the great year...
Music - NINE INCH NAILS - where is everybody...
gud song. nuff sed xP

09:14 p.m.
Archive

everything became wundaaafEl again at... Saturday, June 22, 2002.
ahhhhh, i luv saturdays! espcially saturdays well spent in the company of MYSELF and stores lol. tho i wuzn't reallie shopping fer myself...i have four bdaes coming up --;;;
torrey - god i hope she's not reading this...--;; beige off shoulder empire waist gothic kind of thing...its SO cute... if she duzn't want it i'll take it no problem ^^
michelle - i bought annuda copy of Sabriel - Garth Nix and I think ima burn a couple of anime cds for her.
lizzie - ^^;;; i think ima end up giving her a stuff animal....
joycie - erghz....i'll have to go to bang bang [i got torrey's shirt there] dey opened up one in forest hills wahaha...
i think forest hills is pretty gud for shopping...bsides all the expensive boutique stuff deres all the gothic/slutty/victorian type stuff...deres sum places to get tommy n polo n ur various ghetto clothing...deres the ever present gap..ann taylor - loft...eddie bauer...victoria's secret --;;;...da new bang bang and bath and body...body shop lol...banana republic...open a|x and like an outlet for aero n guess...scroo malls. xP
and den deres mai bdae...turning...fourteen...um...joy. --;; excuse my lack of enthusiasm but i dun reallie care...just another excuse to ask my parents for money to get together with mai friends lol. I dink ima jes be like, gimme 100 so I can take my friends out? BLINK? thank you very much daddie. ^^ o wellz...whatever. im going to go wrap away now ^^ i have a blog half written on eighth grade lol...1,300 words so far...--;;; dun ask. but okay...bai...

Music - Aladdin + Jasmine [A Whole New World] ^^

12:53 p.m.
Archive

everything became wundaaafEl again at... Friday, June 21, 2002.
i am : lost
i think : life sucks xD
i know : i'm worthless
i want : the world
i have : nothing
i wish : i could protect
i hate : the thought that I couldn't achieve my goals
i miss : my friends... i fear : love
i feel : dead
i hear : Final Fantasy - I close my eyes
i smell : nothing
i crave : nothing
i search : for myself
i wonder : when will I find me...
i regret : everything...
i love : my friends
i ache : in my heart xP
i long : for peace and heaven
i care : about my friends...
i always : feel like im drowning
i am not : willing to live in fear
i believe : in God
i dance : if forced to
i sing : loudest when im alone
i cry : when I think about the things I regret
i do not always : wish to live
i fight : in my heart
i write : when inspiration strikes
i win : nothing
i lose : myself a lot
i never : mean it
i confuse : everyone...myself
i listen : to the silence
i can usually be found : at home
i am scared : of fear
i need : to get myself together
i am happy about : nothign reallie...
i expect : death
i should : be good...be happy...

I wuz depressed fuck me xP
Ashanti - Dreams

10:22 p.m.
Archive

everything became wundaaafEl again at... Thursday, June 20, 2002.
yesh...i still fuking exist ^^ neway...i wuz jes thinking...reading through pplz xangas/blogs...I need to get mai shit together...need to pull my collective together and i need to start writing again...because i dink sum where along this year I lost myself and I found someone who was just trying to live despite everything that happened to dissuade her...so right now...im waiting on mai computer...its in the shop getting an upgrade. Windows XP and 30 gig ^^ and it also means...no turning back. i saved a hella lot of info in my 20 gig drive but when I get mai comp back i mite jes delete all of it and just start over...

THINGS I NEED TO DO - get my domain moving
- layout for blog
- write a long ass entry on my thoughts about 8th Grade
- organize my songs AGAIN
- learn HTML n JAVA AGAIN
- organize my possible layout pics...
- fix my RINOA layout...shit its wasting away on mai comp.
- write +INNOCENCE+ and me n liz's lil gangsta shYt...LOL
- catch up on my anime ^^
- watch - minority report, MIIB [mADD HOT xD], bourne identity
- figure out what im going to do for my birthday
- get torrey a bdae present FORK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!~
- GET A LIFE xD
- make a xanga???????
- work out w/ margaret
- go running ^^

I don't know anymore...I expect this summer to be extremely busy...as soon as July 16th comes...im gettin fukin werkin papers n ima start tutoring a kid...20 bucks every time...^^ but lesh c...margarets gonna get pissed at this...mai summer school schedule is fuked.... Tuesday and Thursday...9:00-4:00 English, Biology and Sequential II [despite the fact that i fuckin took sequestial II last fucking summer!] Of course now i wunt see joyce OR margaret! I HAD NO FUCKING SAY IN MY OWN SCHEDULE! nd den of course chinese classes....and work in general...but I dink my spirit is back, i'll take this shit and i'll party every week ^^ No matta how HARD i have to werk. cuz in ninth grade, ima be maddd dull frum ALL WORK n NO PLAY. so im going to be chillin a LOT ova da summer...spcially since mai cousins aren't coming ova ^^ n i dink im going to create a survey for myself to fill out but instead of short blah shit ima do lyke 10 questions n essay answers for ech ^^ im crazy yesh i kno. but daz okaaayy MARGARET DUN KILL ME!

but okay, im going to break off here and write an essay on my feelings about eighth grade...
Song [Dirty Vegas] + Days Go By

10:01 a.m.
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