Thursday, September 11, 2003.
posting this here and on lj
not doing the fanfic/fic/novel thing anymore. lets see how long i can last. dunt rec. anything anymore, im sorry im not recommending anything anymore, but i suppose i dunt do that often. but whatever. stepping out of that world into some other.
end of discussion.
it feels like im locking some part of me away
i guess i am. x)
<3 mingie
10:40 p.m.
Archive
Wednesday, August 13, 2003.
lalallalaa.....if i didn't make you read this yet....or if i did and you have to comment, go on my lj...
http://www.livejournal.com/users/xdarkrosex
^^;;;; i hope you like it...but POO pretend its not me writing it and read it with caution so its easier to uh, swallow. lol. um. smile? tooodles.
01:16 a.m.
Archive
Wednesday, July 23, 2003.
of course the one night in which im absolutely wired everyone sleeps. xpt for margaret but she's special. im going to die. i read fic and fic and fic, finished all my SAT hw, start browsing through clothes and lost interest fast...not to mention i already finished dl-ing all of the music that has piled up...im going to go crazy soon. hmmm...um.....im hoping that my period is playing havoc on me [tho generally my period is benign] and is making me blow up balloon-esque xP But just in case, am determined to go running and just burn burn burn calories. growl soooo annoyyying. Whyyy can't i be driven like Karen and Margaret and exercise. Oh right cus i value food too much. WAHHHH pudgy fatness must go away wahhhhhhh so upset. if i've gained weight due to this im going to wail my eyes out. ahhhh i've lost so much self-control recently. i just make trips down to the kitchen, stare at the refrigerator and open it. Before I would make a trip down to the kitchen and instead detour to visit my mother's room or my father's or pop in to mess with my sister. wahhh i wanna run. and i wanna write. ARGHHHHH soooo annooooyyyingggggggggggggg lalallalalalalalaaaaaaaaaaa.....::twiddle thumb:: am going to sleep before i FLIP OUT. gnitey. pOO
01:52 a.m.
Archive
Friday, July 18, 2003.
okay 2 days late better than never. thank you all for a wonderful beautiful birthday and for your well wishes =P
[this is on xanga/blogger/lj]
yea okay so i never really did a long thing on life and i wanted to for the end of the year but i was just so drained i dunno. im never....energized lately. lol ming's a machine =) lol so in honor of my past birthday =D ima do my little rant.
the past 15 years has been painful. as nice as it would be to have amnesia i can't. history repeats itself, things get hurt, it hurts again. what hurts you and doesn't break you will only make you stronger smarter and faster. these past 15 years has been ups and downs broken and slowly glued together. And now im trying to be whole. Trying to fill up the cracks, trying to do everything, trying to think about what the HELL i want from life. and i want to be whole. never broken, never hurt never in pain for myself or anyone else. but to do that means losing out on the best of what life has to offer and detaching myself. lettign in the good allows the bad to come as well and i've always felt that chance is worth taking. [xpt mebbe in love but thats another topic to be discussed below] i read an interesting analogy a while back from whoevers xanga and i thought it to be really interesting. it was a bout a young man who had a perfect heart, it was perfectly whole no pieces missing, every piece fit. Wherever he went his heart was admired and he thought he was completely happy but yet he wasnt and had no friends, but he came upon an old man with a mishapen heart. pieces were fitted in, some too big or small, pieces were missing, yet he smiled the widest and was puzzled when the young man laughed at him about his heart. Living life and making friends, loving someone is like ripping a piece of your own heart off and giving it to the other person. Whether that person gives you a piece back depends on the person. But without taking that chance, you will never recieve love and never truly live. this is just how i feel....and therefore i think while the life i lead has bumps and was painful i guess....eventually hopefully i'll convince myself that it was worth every bit.
I try to be a good person [REALLY I DO. xP] and i don't think any of us are better than anyone else. we may have been raised in different households with different influences and are innately psychologically different. It takes all kinds. and because i haven't lived their life....i don't want to judge them and though i may double back and be hypocritical, feel free to kick my ass for it. as for friends, as long as they are happy. as long as they are not hurting themselves physically or emotionally/mentally I can't stop them. And I won't stop them, i have faith in the human race's judgment. my love is unconditional, and i will always always love you no matter what the fuck you do, no matter how broken you come back to me, i will always try to help you, put you back together as much as i can, the only way i can. i can't impose my faith, my beliefs, my opinions and judgments on anyone, i don't have a right and if i do, smack me for it. i can only tell you what i think and let you decide for yourself. This is the nice and unconfrontational cowardly way of ming =P
Now...onto the infamous subject of love. Personally, I abhorr it. I can't picture the havoc it would wreak on me. Quite honestly, if i fall in love, it completely, utterly, unfaillingly destroys me. I don't think there is a thing as in between, as liking someone, and if there is, i won't go for it, I do the all consuming, desperatly stupid im in too far but im in love so fuck it thing. I don't know why. When I give, i give unconditionally, and i try to give all of myself, and if i fall i fall hard. Also im not the type to be swept off my feet and carried off, im not going to be alright when someone drops me on my ass but i will pretend i am. [i am such a guy at heart >.<] I whole heartedly belive that for me, Love is giving someone the power to destroy you and trusting them not to another courtesy of sexy karen kwan =P Therefore, no i probably not be doing the dating thing because i have too much respect for love. which is very depressing cause what happens when you want a guy nooowww :whinnnny:: shuddup im a fagit deal. And ALSO most frustrating for me in the realm of love are the guys im attracted to. Isnt it bad to be attracted to slightly devious/sarcastic but oh so handsome and witty and charming and just that kind of guy in general? Am i such an atypical teenage girl that i go for the bad boy? Wtf is wrong with me? Also, don't girls who date that kinda guy....get hurt? Espcially if the girl is the type described above? ::falls down:: ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. ming is going to be single for a long time xD xD xD xD xD xD xD and btw, for all yoo fagits who didn't watch pirates of the caribbean with Johnny Depp as Jack Sparrow and Orlando Bloom as William Turner your asses are mine btw Jack Sparrow - i love his attitude/personality. so cute =) ahhh this kind of thinking is bad for me =X
so in general ming is allergic to love. but on the other hand
love is a good thing for some people, it boosts confidence and it changes people in the most interesting but wonderful ways =) it matures people and in general, it feels good to be loved i guess =) its a good thing =P for most. i would LOVE LOVE LOVE to see all my friends nice and attached and all lovey dovey. [YES THATS A HINT FOR YOU ALL, GO GET HITCHED =p JP] but it would be so fun and you guys deserve someone to love and to cherish you xD
ahhh time is slowly dredging on i feel so old and i look like an old hag [at least my hands do] but i regress into 2 yr old-ness sometimes lolololssss >.< im an oxymoron and an enigma wrapped into the convenient packaging wtih the label of ~Loserly Ditz~ its great. but an awful lot for you silly people who are my friends under the imperius spell to deal with. im incredibly whiny/short sighted/complainy most of the time and i never do anything to deal with it. I fluctuate between ehhhh, extremely high, sleepy as hell, bitch moooode, and depression. I can be extremely cute/nice to ehhh supportive to catty, to being a down right bitch and i apologize for it in advance xP. I can be hypocritical, oxymoronic and just downright confusing when speaking because my brain makes quantum leaps without me looking. >.< I'll be immature and whiny one moment, cold and distant another, bursting out into tears irrationally and sleepign the next. I'll know something randomly, then lose the information when it counts. I'll be frustratingly deaf, inform you with my unhealthily observation skills if someone is blatantly checking you out, and I will laugh at you. I'm also prone to subjecting poor helpless people to reading my eye torturing, mind boggling pathetic scrawls that i dare to call prose. I will try as much as i can not to subject you to my artistic or creative skills in general and I am prone to be an idiot. OH! in addtion, i am prone to use strange voices/accents to wierd you out. Now that you know this, am warned, will stay warned I apologize for all my faults and flaws and whininess and strangeness before hand...x) and thank you always for being my friend =)my time as a blithering fool has almost come to an end. and I want to end with this. thank you so much, come to me for anyhting, life sucks like a bitch but we bite like true ho's, and that was a joke by the way um i love you always always always. you guys have been so influential on my life, on my views, for that i thank you so much, i've gained so much from my strange experiences with you guys x) in school, in the rain, across the bridges, even just walking down streets in parks in theaters. its been good, lets make it great x) always love.
>>>>>>>>ming
02:39 p.m.
Archive
Thursday, July 10, 2003.
i have 2 other blogs that i've written...3/4 the way done but i dunno when i'll finish when i'll post...right now the most fierce thought it my mind is....my parents don't know me they don't know me at all.
this is gonna be a seriously long bitch blog, all of you who are annoyed with whining and idiocy and bitchiness stop here cus ima be crazy. i feel so pissed off now so don't blame me. this is my disclaimer. proceed with extreme caution. and if you get annoyed just click the little x
I'll take most of the blame of that, I push them away, we're not parent and child enough. But they never try to understand me, who i am, what i think, they're too caught up in their own quest to bother to see who is beside them and what she thinks. Is this how my siblings feel? I sympathize with them, I've grown up and felt what they've felt, we're all fucked up in some way and we deal with it in all different ways. My brother...he's seen the world, he's been there, he's playful and wretched but he's changed. He's so mature, he knows how to deal with things and at the same time he thinks psychologically, he solves problems and he thinks, about life, about God, about silly little things and big important things aobut his future. and i love him, i love how he deals with things, i love when i get to spend time with him, not even talking about significant stuff, just whats going on, what he'll do in the future, what our parents are doing. I'll admire him for putting up with my parents, he had it the worst, he was the first boy, he was the most playful he hated studying and he was the one beaten the most out of all of us. But he survived everything and i don't care what he does, I know inside he's still good and he's still smart and wise. Its my childish admiration. I'm allowed that. Yet my parents don't see any of that it seems, they don't notice what a wonderful WISE child they're bore and they don't trust him. He's opened up a little, I guess he saw the necessity. and i admire him for that as well, for learning and adapting. Of course my parents thought it was their smart doings and that he's changed because of them. My sister on the other hand deals with it another way. She's wonderfully innocent, she studies, does her work and buries herself in fantasy and tv. She's seen what my parents can do and she's determined not to get that. She's an angel i love her for it. But at the same time, beneath the cheerful playful exterior is still a person who understands the world, has different outlooks on things and can speak her mind if pushed, she just doesn't like to get in on fights. She hears everything, she listens to my mother bitch and she can keep quiet and put up with it. She goes out with her friends and she's able to mediate between them, she knows how to reconcile everything, she's an angel, she really is. She may not be a genius, she may not pursue world domination and be out to prove herself, but she knows her shit. My parents just see someone they can push around and actually...she has the best relationship with them. They just think she's a little stupid and tv obssessed. But she gets alogn wtih them perfectly. Jealoouus.....on the other hand...me. I'm a bitch and im the first to admit it. But i have my own feeligns, and sometimes it warps up and it pours out of my mouth my nose my eyes my hands and I can't stop it. I can't stop myself from blurting out the stupidest things to anger my parents, i can't quell my rebellious spirit, i can't quell my own self-righteousness and my belief in what i believe. I can't clam up and just shut the fuck up when i need to. I think my mom is weak minded and weak hearted and insanely insecure. A woman should not need gratification and justificaton from her children or her husband. She can work her magic, she's very old fashioned and is very good with older people and parents but she's too old fashioned and doesn't understand our generation at all. She's also very very very self righteous about her beliefs. My dad is kinder and more even tempered, he's been changed by God the most, he used to be like me i guess, pissy and bitchy as hell but he changed so much, he can hold so much in, but at teh same time, it seems like condescension and pity. i hate pity, i hate it because i don't want it and i don't think many people deserved it. My dad knows his shit analytically and psychologically he's not quick to be self righteous but he stands up for his beliefs and sometimes is self righteous. THe funny thing is...i think my dad understands me more. He understands my fascination with psychology and trusts me to understand what he says. I think he recognizes his old self in me. And he pins everything about his old foolhardy self on me too. He thinks i don't know anything sometimes and that pisses the shit out of me. So mebbe i don't have like 50 yrs of experience under my belt, i know what the hell is going on, i hear your shit i hear you talking shit about everybody. argh. my mom on the other hand has a very much love hate relationship with me. sometimes we're great, sometimes i wanna rip her hair out and kill myself. sometimes its just blinding irritation. i am deadly terrified that its because we're too much alike. Physically im like my dad but i don't know...i don't want to be like my mom i don't want to be like my mom i don't want to be like her i really really really DON"T!!!!! I can't. i just can't be like her, i am not going to be an insecure LOSER who can't adapt to new enviroments. im not going to be a MORON. i can't be like her. SHe doesn't understand anything and sometimes i don't think she wants to or even tries to. Im just so tired of it all. i can't stand this...and i wasted like 20 minutes bitching cus of me and my mother's volatile discussion and then my talk with both my parents ending with me being pissed off cause they think i don't know shit and that they think im too sheltered and don't understand them. fuckkkk you, i know you, i see you in me, i know how you are and your self righteous selves. your human. don't think your any better. fuck you all, thinking your all that just cus you think you might be saved, fuck you and your condescending pity, no one is gonna be taken in by that, its disgraceful. ahhh must go cool down and not kill parents. im so sorry you had to put up with this. maybe you didn't. but my blogs aren't going to be like this hopefully im sorry. to all of you who suffered through, i love you like a monkey loves a banana. No i won't eat you, i may hug you or annoy you to death but always know i love you and that you can come to me for anything cause ya kno what? I need the distraction from my family. Im thankful for them but >.< they've made me who i am. alrighty i love you like crazy, yur always there to bitch too and you guys always smack some sense into me when im being ridiculous and upset over nothing. thank you always. and i promise i'll blog later on..
10:24 p.m.
Archive
Tuesday, July 8, 2003.
oh my god.
Lexus sc [430] ::falls down drooling:: its so hot i think im going to have a nosebleed....
http://www.lexus.com/models/sc/index.html
0 to 60 in 5.9 seconds
im too young to drool over cars im too young to drool over cars im too young to drool over cars...i've seen at LEAST 4 of these all over forest hills. im going to cry... now to check on the other beautiful cars...
Mercedes Benz clk 320
http://www.mbusa.com/brand/container.jsp?/models/main.jsp&modelCode=CLK320A&src=MODELSELECTOR
wibble......=)
acura/jaguar isnt as pretty =( me thinks the lexus is the prettiest but the benz symbol is jus addicting...its so balanced while the lexus is just an L =P im wierd. but okay....must not...drool...wahhhh =( i wannnnnnnnnt! i've been turned into a pile of mush by a car. fkkkk.
11:55 a.m.
Archive
Wednesday, June 25, 2003.
partially in resposne to liz's xanga, partially jus my response to life and what everything has led me up to...now. im posting this here but im doing a more complete thing in my livejournal and for all you whu dunno it its xdarkrosex =) have fun.
the fultility of life is astounding. we are born, we lead our pathetic so-called lives and we die returning to the earth that bore us, returning to the sweet darkness of the earth.
we are given this blessing called life, what we choose to do with our short time on earth is up to us, we may waste it dying away day by day or we can stand up and make our print on the earth among billions.
the difference being the lives we affect
what are our lives worth if we look from the infinity that is time and space? yet we claim to be self important, we seize our present.
martin luther king sez he has a dream.
a dream is just that a dream of the foolish
till we create, sew it seam by seam
use our own hands to create our bliss
use our blood spilt of our veins
that one day out of the perfect blue
from our now ephermal pains,
our dreams will come true.
juss what i was feeling...lj for more. and lol how silly, 1tym + one love juss came on
09:25 p.m.
Archive
Friday, June 20, 2003.
AHHHHHHHhhhh im soOO masochistic. I watched Buffy again...the eps where she died. again. despite knowing it was the eps where she would die, despite knowing how upset and pissed off and girly sappy i would be. ::sigh:: This was the end of Buffy for me...it was the saddest but most well orchestrated and most fitting It makes me want to learn from the writers of Buffy, let me learn all those little nuances to writing and film making that they have in there. Her death was predicted from the beginning but they blinded us from that possiblity by only showing one interpretation, we sympathized with that one interpretation so much that we didnt see another way of looking at things. I felt so manipulated but so appreciative of that masterful manipulation. It was so well thought out and just plain...gorgeous...a masterpiece...ahhhhh =). They gave us a solution to the problem of Dawn's blood throughout the series but we never saw it till the end when they put it together for us. Everything from the death is her gift, to Buffy telling Dawn their blood was the same summer's blood to Buffy saying that Dawn was made of her, was a part of her...it told us that in the end Buffy would be the sacrifice to save the world. but then looking at the actual plot...it shows so many layers of human emotion. it shows sacrificing love, anya pushing xander out of the way, it shows perfect sweet love, willow finding tara, saving her sanity, and it shows unrequited sweet love when spike loves buffy but never tells her, does everything for her but never gets anything back. But on top of that is the heroics....there's two layers of that, there's the realistic dark layer played by Giles, killing an innocent - Ben, in order to keep Glory from coming back, and there's Buffy, wonderful, gorgeously eyed Buffy whose gift to the world is death, who dies for the world, who dies for her sister, who dies for her friends. The contrast is just so beautiful...::shurg:: It also shows the human need to belong, the loneliness humans feel when they're out of place, in Glory, tryign to find her way back to her hell dimension, she's so desperate and I don't know its just so...sad...and Buffy, when she's so sad in the beginning of the eps because she doesn't belong and she thinks she's gonna kill everyone...ahhh and James Marsters is just fking eye candy. =) sOOOoooo hot. and the way he play spike is just soo....incredibly...drooling... draco-sweet. ::SIGH::his hair was a little fuNky tho ahaha. but i was too thrown by the sadness of unrequited love and her dying before he could tell her, her dying alone, her dying painfully, her dyign for the world, her dying, her hair, her hair, her hair, her little speech before she died...her hair...her eyes...aHHHHH. i dink im going to cry. and i think she landed in a dumpster >.< okay...and then my favorite part of Buffy. Its witty it is so serious and so terrible at times but it always has brilliant funny ass jokes. everythign from Buffy's attitude, their unwillingless to tkae things seriously, their ablity to make fun of anything and everything, anya's struggle with dealing with human emotion, the way xander proposes to anya....::sigh:: its classic buffy! lol like on her tombstone..."she saved the world. a lot." =) did i mention she always gets a kick ass weapon when she starts fighting in the season finales? the thunder god hammer, the slayer sword/scythe...mr pointy =) and lols no matter what, Buffy always has the have a near death point in every single season. How many times have they tried to kill her? They just do it to shock us repeatedly. The first season they just bit her and suck her blood. and then had her resuscitated. lol. then in the final finale, they stabbed her for a while, then had the first come in and taunt her and taunt her. Oh and also, her reaction to the first is always consistent. she always gets pissed off and determined and always ends up winning. If the first didn't come and taunt her, she would've prolly died.
i wanna be a wonderful writer like that. =(
07:27 p.m.
Archive
Sunday, June 8, 2003.
ahahhaha survey to procrascinate =)
Name: Ming[a]Tseng[a]
Birthday: 7.16.88
Birth state: Taiwan =P
Time of birth: 12pm [so 12am here =)]
Height: 5'5(.4)" if im lucky =P
Eye color: plain dark brown
Age: 14 [maturity=130 yr old to 2 yr old]
Sex: [no thx =P] Female
Hair length: ahh the memories of long hair...above shoulders
3 words to describe you: multiple personality oxymoronic
Shoe size: ...>.< 5.5-7.5 in womens, kids 4-5
Siblings age/name: brother 22/Chi Tien[Tyler] sister 19/Ming Chieh
Tattoos: i want an angel wing with a cross dripping blood =P
Piercings: none =)
Pets: wow when i was younger lots of birds =P
How many rooms in your house: 1 living room, 1 dining room, 2 kitchens, 4 bathrooms, 4 bedrooms, 1 guestroom, 1 boiler room, basement, 6 closets + attic random lots of door storage. yech bothersome
Class of: 2006
Hair color: blackish-dark brownish
Kind of hair: POoofy now bcus it dusnt have added weight lol
Favorites
Girl name: iunno
Boy name: iunno
Song: wow lets not go there.
CD: own burnt cds various
Scent: moonlight path, vs scents, babyyy powder
Emotion: happiness/peace/contentment cus love hurts
Thing to do: sleep, chill with friends, read, dream, write
Place: bed. addictive =)
Cartoon: ehhh Rurouni Kenshin + Trigun
Book: Memoirs of a Geisha was awesome...=P A Little Princess, HP =P
Subject: interested in is english [FUCK PUBLIC SPEAKING], relaxation is art, stress is math, ss, bio
Shampoo: Herbal Essences, Pantene Pro V smooth/sleek
Sport: lol =P =P =P
Color: black, white, purpley shades, bloood red
Food: chocolate, anything bad for me
Drink: coffee, bubble tea, coffee, coffee....
Alcohol: dunt reallie do alcohol =)
Number: 16 dunno y
Basketball team: funny
Baseball team: funny
Football team: funny
Store: express, macy's, a|x memories, bang bang is amusing to force ppl to try on clothing
Fast food: wendy's
Restaurant: li yu men
Breakfast place: McDonalds, home
Breakfast food: toast, eggs, bacon
Sound: music.
Show: buffy used to be masterfully planned...none.
Animal: bunnies and kitties =)
Snack: ice cream, choclate, chiPs
Thing to do with friends: just have fun and chilllax =)
Thing to do with crush/bf/gf: nyeh
Brand of clothes: depends on the season
Brand of shoes: dunno
Gum: Orbit Wintergreen or Dentyne peppermint
Mint: Altoid Cinnamon
Candy: Dark chocolate, starbursts
Person: dunnO
Actor: duNno
Actress: varies
Female rap artist: dunnOo
Male rap artist: varies
Band or group: none
DO YOU BELiEVE iN
Aliens: not sure.
Ghosts: yes sometimes
God: yes
Satan: yes
Heaven: yes
Hell: yes but i hate to believe in it
The afterlife: yes
Love at first sight: no.
Santa: no. =(
Karma: yuP
WHiCH ONE?
Sneakers/sandals: sneakers
DVD/VHS: VHS
Pepsi/Coke: pepsi
Summer/winter: winter
Spring/fall: spring and fall
Siblings/only child: siblings
Movies/TV: Movies
Chocolate/vanilla: choclate
Juice/pop: pop
Chill/party: chill
Draw/write: both
Night/day: night but sunny days are fun
Capris/shorts: i'd do capris but shorts if you have it flaunt it =P
Make-up/bare-faced: bare-faced
Shower/bath: shower 4 bath 3
Food/drink: food and drink
Drive/walk: Walk
*Nsync/BSB: neither
Pizza/spaghetti: pizza
Chinese food/Mexican food: Chinese food
Pink/purple: purple
Red/blue: dark red
Scared/nervous: Scared
Mad/sad: sad
THE PAST
Best memory: nyeh
Worst memory: many
Do you regret anything you ever did: definitely, but sumtings i regret not doing
Best childhood memory: no cloo
What were you scared of as a child: wasnt scared of much...parents dying? worms still am
What was your favorite cartoon growin up: Batman, superman sucked butt face =P
Favorite movie when you were younger: Cinderella, Beauty and the Beast, Hunchback of Notre Dame...Home Alone 1/2 was soooo cute =P, Armageddon, Matrix
Did you suck you thumb.: no.
Do you have any of the same friends you did when you were 7 and under: tried to keep in touch, lost it
THE PRESENT
What are you doing right now: survey. genius
Are you listening to music: no wow
If so what song: noo
What is in your CD player: burnt cd
Who are you talking to: myself
Are you wearing nail polish: no
The current time: 3:57
What are you wearing: sweatpants, underwear, tank, large large large long sleeve tshirt
What are you thinking right now: must practice english wince
Eating/drinking: nothing for now
THE FUTURE
What do you want to be: psychologist.
Where do you want to live: NYC
Who do you want to marry: ::sigh::
Do you want to get married: not reallie
Do you want to have kids: no
If so, how many: 1
If you could marry anyone, who would it be: dunno
LAST TiME YOU
Smiled: when i tackled my sister 3 mins ago
Cried: full out crying...::shrug:: a coupla days ago
Spoke: 30 mins ago
Ate: at 1
Drank: at 1
Sang: at 10:30
Stared at a picture: stared? not for a long time. looked...20 mins ago
Read a book for pleasure: no cloo. a week ago?
Got totally wasted: didnt
Yelled: yesterday
Showered: this morning
Brushed your teeth: this morning
HAVE YOU EVER
Smoked a cigarette: ahaha yes
Smoked a cigar: no
Snorted coke: no
Smoked Weed: no
Been high: on endorphins, air, candyyy
Had sex: nope
Said "I hope you die" to someone: prollie jokingly
Tried to kill someone: ditto
Tried to kill yourself: ahahaa
Got in a fist fight: yes =)
Lied to your parents: yes
Lied to your friends: once. and i hate that feeling
Gotten drunk: no
Gotten totally smashed: no
Given someone a bruise: haha yes
Ditched someone: yes =P
Freak danced: ...what?
Stole something: lols yes
Cut yourself: yes
Skipped school: yes
Hung up on someone: i dink so
Gone commando: aha no
Threw up at school: no.
Snuck out: =) yes
Been to a school dance: yeah
Thought your teacher was hot: no, blatantly looked and checked out but never found hot
WHAT COMES TO MiND WHEN YOU HEAR...
Lotion: moisturizersss
Rubber: tire [condom] sry =P
CD: burnt
Bed: sleep
Paper: yUCk
Run: sneaker
Candle: fire
Mouse pad: computer
Sweatshirt: comfy
Door: lock
Pictures: friends
Flowers: pretty, pollen
Deodorant: secret, strong and beautiful just like you lolols
Pencil: art
Sex: yes please but also yucKers im 5 yrs old =)
Radio: classical
FRiENDS
Best girl friends: chen, kiehm, kwan. bassell, cheah
Best guy friends: chen but i talk to chen->wang
Prettiest: ahahah hot friends. kiehm, kwan, gao, chen
Shortest: aileen? torrey?
Tallest: ummm?
Best eyes: liz for over all, giselle, chiara, lior ::sigh::
Most inside jokes: margaret? but i make fun of every1 and constantly remind them muahahha =P
Best advice giver: liz k in general, but i try to be independent =)
Comes to you for anything: ::shrug::
Chill with the most: diff ppl in diff classes/days
Laugh with the most: everyone
Who you trust most: torrey? benny? liz?dunnoO
Best hair: liz/margaret
Best hair stylist: uh?
Best make up artist: uh?
Funniest: stupid humor is liz/charlotte cynical... benny/me
Blondest: karen! jp joyce, margaret, charlotte WOW prone to blonde ness
Most serious: torrey
Most opinionated: lior
Most organized: kwannie
Smartest: dunno man. lots of things make up smart ppl
Most athletic: aileen
Be friends with forever no doubts: margaret, karen, liz k despite inconsistency and i wud like to think torrey
03:20 p.m.
Archive
Thursday, June 5, 2003.
::sigh:: i keep telling myself as long as i survive the nxt 48 or so hours i can die in peace. even though its not such a big deal...i have to do public speaking and ming doesn't DO public speaking. ming is NOT a public speaker :;cries:: and ming is not naturally loud. contrary to [some] beliefs ming is not an outgoing person. ming is generallyshy, quiet, non-opinionated and non-confrontational. so how is ming gonna be a public speaker? she's gonna make up courage somehow. >.< I have tooo many personalities and i have to choose one best fit for the job =) =) =) but the problem is, i don't DO public speaking. ARGHHHH. =( My speech isn't even completely ready yet :;sigh:: okay in the following hours i hope to accomplish the following and everytime i get sleepy i'll take a 20 minute shower break mUAHAHHAHA 0=) im downstairs for the night, the couch is set up, the TV is set up, im going to drag my sister into this in order to be my audience occasionally so yeah. and then tmr 2nd prd someone can help me out and listen to my speech...or study for bio...okay things to do other than english
-bio TEST study 2nd prd tmr also
-art history TEST study lunch tmr
-ss hw taking excused
-SAT II bio lololololsssssss ::falls down:: okay =P
ehhhhhh stress on speech. im sooooo nervous =( =( =( i HATE THIS. whatever happened to confident, cool, collected, manipulative ming? what a time to take a break. ::OOFFSS:: I HATE HATE HATE THIS. OTHER CLASSES DON"T HAVE TO DO THIS PUBLIC SPEAKING. DAMNIT and sigh....i just need the relaxing feeling of having all of this over with....I NEED TO SURVIVE TILL SUNDAY. ONLY TO SUNDAY. PLEASEEE
muahs =) c you if im alive tmr
10:08 p.m.
Archive
Sunday, June 1, 2003.
bleh =) jus felt like starting out like that feel like shit physically and emotionally, but the odd thing is I shouldn't be.
I don't really have anything to be seriously upset over, my spanish grade is healed thanks to ms. Castro's infinite kindness ^^ ^^ ^^ ^^ my math grade ::phewww:: my bio is still good...ss..i missed one hw and I f-ed up another, but i'll be damned if i dunt get an A- this term. I will kiss hershkobish's ass even if it hurts me so bad. =P[ht] I need ONE good grade from her. Just one. UNO UNO UNO!~~~~ ::cries:: english grade is suffering a little from lack of caring and I think my hold on cook is loosening! oh the horror! =P but i'll get by as long as I do my speech, as LONG as I do my speech..::sigh:: Gym..AHAHAHHA ::falls over crying:: lol =) um...art...not really worried anymore. just gotta Ace the final! and hope no other tests are scheduled that day or else i will faint and die. =)but my good term paper grade helps me...and also MUST FINISH KAREN PAINTING AT ALL COSTS. =) even if i'll go insane first ::SIGH:: 0=)
im sry i didn't mean to bore you with school stuff I just need to rant it out. In other terms...physically im okay, whatever, the fat is there, its gonna stay there for a while, I'll burn calories when I can, be unlazy be unlazy be unlazy and I'll eat so I dunt loose weight, cus even tho it dusnt feel like im loosing weight and im used to how my hands/arms look and the fat on them AHHHH FUCK =P its the strangest feeling to stand on the scale and raise an eyebrow at my own weight. must go visit doctors, i think i grew a little tiny bit. am hopeful. Maybe i only need 2.5 inch heels nxt year 0=) and LOL i heard the clothing tax is coming back? Lei lei was yelling puahaha =)
now nothings really up with my family i guess...my brother is coming home soon....will for a visit and then at the end of July he's coming home for good hopefully...its always good to have him back, ever since college he's changed so much for the better and he's really a good brother =) and his girlfriend is really nice >.< my parents have issues with this and they think they shud break it off if it isn't headed toward marriage and im just like >.< but my parents are very lenient, they are determined to be lenient about marriage. my parents had drama when they married, my dad because he was supposed to be a doctor and follow family tradition but went to a monastery instead. where he met my mother, that was points against her in terms of my grandmother already >.< But im happy that they're resolved and everything is at peace, time changes all things and I think given time, things can get better. Looking at the earlier generations...in their old age...it seems like I can't see their past transgressions, I can't see my nice grandmother flipping out at my mother, I can't see her intent on ruling my father's life...but in general...even though it must have been painful for my parents...i'm glad that they will be nice about marriage or lack there of...im glad that i have siblings, i'm glad that im not a boy in this sense, im glad i'll be able to not marry and not have children...i'm glad that my siblings and I have shared views that have developed from living in the conditions that we have...I'm glad we are more mature then most, i'm glad we deal with things in different ways and respect each other...but most of all im glad we're close because of our common respect for each other for living this kind of life not because we were always close. I'm glad for the past, im glad for the wednesday nights we would hole up in our parent's room while they were out to 11 at church and watch Star Trek and various movies...i've learned to appreciate my family and though they seem to know so little about me personally...that isn't what is important, people grow distant but the feeling of kinship is still there. we'll fight but i think we'll come through it because we have to. im glad my brother's coming back and im glad for the first time in 4 years the 3 of us will spend the summer together under one roof.
me myself and I....I'm not happy with myself, im empty, i have no goals that can be achieved and every day it is a sturggle to get out of bed, be brave and face the world over and over and over. Sometimes it hurts so much and its so lonely to have to deal with it on my own and its not for fear of not being understood...its a fear of being accepted as a human, being allowed to make mistakes...i can only expect more of myself, i can only expect myself to be strong, it is too tempting to sink into a rut of self-pity and i need to be brave. but then I am reminded of something i heard at a wedding...its very idealistic...two people in love are two halves are the same soul, not complete without the other half...and thats how i feel...incomplete...people need love...and it shows in the chinese word "ren" the two lines are propped up against one another, neither can stand without the other and this is marriage...its dependence, its knowing there is someone who loves and accepts you even if the world doesn't...and I want this...I need this so badly...its hard to tell myself to be independent...akshullie no, its not hard, its terrifying that i have to be independent when sometimes i just want to be a lost little girl...and DAMNIT why is it raining so much lately? my mind becomes dreary just THINKING about the rain. Sometimes its scarily upsetting thinking I dunt have anyone to hold me tight, to remind me im worth something, to give me strength to live on, to love and to cherish as long as i live...but I want to be independent... i don't want that feeling of dependency on someone else, I want to be able to survive because once I am dependent, i don't know if i can take loss, if I can let go...in that respect its foolish yet admirable...i give my heart freely but wholey, unreservedly...but that is why hesistance is bound in my actions. I donnnOoOo. I'm so happy for the couples who are still together and I pray that they stay together because its such a beautiful thing, who cares if we are young, love is beautiful and thats that =P and if there are problems...everything can be worked out, i honestly believe it. if you want something enough, it will happen if you make the effort. ::sigh:: i dunt feeel like blogging anymore..but heres sumtin amusing for you..
according to googlism....
Rageofayouth16: bo is for anyone who wants a complete workout ;-)
NyCdreamerAnGeL: charlotte is experiencing rapid growth --- yeah right!!
karen is a friend who is there for you always
karen is a very tall girl =P
margaret is looking to grow
margaret is woken by the rain
lol i'll do more later..googlism is fun =)
POD + YOUTH OF THE NATION
it was on. ::shrug::
09:36 p.m.
Archive
Friday, May 30, 2003.
ahahaha IE in school won't support hotmail or xanga posts! so im stuck posting it here. ai yah =X i'll delete this entry right after.
http://www.war1418.com/battleverdun/
http://firstworldwar.com/battles/verdun.htm
http://www.ibiscom.com/gallipoli.htm
08:33 a.m.
Archive
Thursday, May 29, 2003.
nyehh. feeling better now. i hate when I try to study and do my work and understand things and I think I have it down and then it goes ahead and fucks up on me. and I got 2 bad grades in a row, and I can feell my average falling and I really really need it to stay the same. like desperatly. ::falls over:: and lol i have no extracurriculars. I need my hour or so of peaceful lunch time. :;sighhhh:: but I defintely want to do CSAW with Charlotte nxt year because they work madd hard and do things really well. =) And maybe seriously join ACS? lolololols funny. argh if only it weren't friday lunch. ::sighs:: but when you guys take over ACS I want to write skit..=T bleh, I would love to do Shakespeare but its such a Manhattan thing ^^ =P =P =P but whatever gotta stop dreaming now...and im soooo determined to write over the summer. Like either I'll do a collection of short stories all relating to each other or just a long story. The first one is sort of easier. But this is something I feel like I need to do since I'm slowly coming alive again in terms of creativity but in a different way. And I'll get Lior/Torrey to help me out editing/suggestions =) ahhhh I remember last year I dreaded school ending but for some reason I feel so chipper and looking forward to everything whether good or bad =) such a loser I am. And you know...everytime I don't sleep well for 3 days in a row [meaning at least 3 hrs of uninterrupted sleep] I break down and reach my limit. thats amusing for me to observe but oh so frustrating. pout ARgh, must start reading the books I borrowed. =) oh and Margaret lemme borrow Daddy's Little Girl soon okay? even tho I really wunt have time to read it >.< but alright...gonna go finish ss, then do bio notes >.< oh the horror, worm page is up, then do 3 pg english essay, study spanish. okay not so bad. [>.<] will resolved to sleep 5 hrs tonight =) haha. okay. im done bitching/randomnizing =) will do work, mebbe write a little. alrite laters
Matchbox 20 + Unwell
++mommy: aww pookie.. it's ok, the world loves you no matter what and we aced the test today despite...haha. join red cross next year and me, you, karen can go on fun adventures together [lols] =D hmm i'm determined to read all classics on library bookshelf over the summer..wish me luck :) and ohh.. lend me some more books, and is karen done with dreamcatcher yet? it's been so longgggg >.< but oh yeah, lend me 1st to die again :P want me to bring daddy's little girl tmr? you can give me it back next week.. i never got around to reading it yet, lol --;;; but ok.. gl with your work tonight, dream!! =]
08:45 p.m.
Archive
Sunday, May 25, 2003.
yes margaret i know that song, Penny Dai + Ni Yao De Ai, I can send it to you if you want ^^ Okay, I finished another anime, this one called Samurai Deeper Kyo ahhh i love getting lost in anime. It introduces a whole other world...and then I have 2 krn dramas to watch, 1 chinese drama...::sigh:: how am i ever gonna study/do work again now that my sister is at home supplying me with entertainment? Its almost good that season finales are over or I would go crazy....but alright I suddenly feel the urge to blog...I've been sketching/drawing a lot lately...its the anime...and also just the urge to waste blank paper.....i drew something interesting today..... crazed/sad looking man with an ax earring and a tattoo "death" on his neck...maybe i'll write a story about him and why he cries =P I'm so morbid...I don't know why...I think aftereffects of Witch Hunter....Samurai Deeper Kyo is such a happy/typical anime with very sad aspects ::shrug::...and the song on Joyce Xanga, On my Own from Les Miserables....reading the lyrics made me collapse in pain....I felt human for all of 3 minutes afterwards, not just a numb little girl, yet I felt so empty and heartachey...love sucks =)
okay so im just writing random things now....
my attic/second floor is getting f-ed with in preparation for my brother moving home and im just like, just one more change around me....:;sigh:: and this change frustrates me bcus im gonna be out of my room for a while, HOPEFULLY not while i have tests to study for [YEA RIGHT] But oh well that means anime will be on hold, good good good, mingie be GOOOD girl. =P. Random thoughts are popping in my head right now I don't know why, i feel so lifeless and limp...also i've been eating ice cream like crazy....argh i need to work out or something lolololsssssssssss ::falls over:: I'll go out for a walk tommmorow. =) breathe in the rain or sun. But for now...I'm going to sign off, enjoy the music I'm playing, crack open a soda and write something, whether it be dark lovey dovey or cliche I don't know.....but I feel the need to write and create...I'm so strange. =) i love you all, live life day by day by day. ::sigh::
Mandy Moore + Only Hope
08:37 p.m.
Archive
Friday, May 23, 2003.
ahh jus finished watching Witch Hunter ROBIN :;sigh:: so hot. =) its wistfully sad also because they don't say what excatly happened but I don't know, its a fitting ending to a great series. It's one of those silly endings where the facility they penetrate blows up and everyone survives except for these two lovers that your just not sure. And their better off thought of as dead so they can live peaceful lives...:;sigh:: but then in the end there was the chance that the girl came back to work as a Witch Hunter. there's like an ongoing joke with the guard at the entrance, he's always reading this horoscope magazine and he's always seeing "a fortunate meeting today, lucky color black" and then the hunter walks in wearing a black. Its fun. =P its a cute series, it emphasizes on how humans are afraid of what they don't understand and how that may hurt us in the end. Its a classic anime nothing special, a lot of stereotyped characters, the heroine[turned victim because she's also a witch] is the strongest witch, and the hope of all witches. She understands the pain of the witches and why some turn evil because she's hunted them, but she's also always been raised as a human just trained in her Craft, puahahha she's a pyro. And then there's the hero sort of...stoic, tall, dark, handsome very prone to silence, effecient to the end. And then there's a bunch of supporting characters, there's the ditz, the calm psychic, the young boy, the computer geek. And the clothing is very beautiful. Shades of black and gray mostly, matrix-esque. I don't know, i just needed the little perky trip that watching anime/shows gives me...'spcially after Buffy finale. now...moving on to THE MATRIX RELOADED
it was good, semi-plotless and the action was just tedious after a while. But I loved it because it just has this sort of ablity to fade the real world into the background and let me focus on what a good movie it is =) But omg...I am so happy that Keanu Reeves keeps his sunglasses on for most of the movie...ever time he takes off his sunglasses...i.e. to talk to Trinity, to talk to Zion ppl, etc. I'm just like....he looks so *ditzy* and spacey..>.< And wow about that gratuitois sex scene, a little long? ::cough:: okay. and reeve's ass crack is not hot GEEZ. =P and I really like the idea of the prophecy as just another method of control, it works really well. And also the idea that Neo isn't the only "ONE", there's been what, 6 more before him? lol that amuses me. And argh his superman routine is just..:SIGH: oh dear. Oh and everytime anyone says to Neo that his choice is already made, he jsut needs to understand why, he looks so exasperated, there's just this flicker of shut the hell up you stupid all-knowing beings. =) oh and the TRINITY scene. Inappropriate touching much? ^^ and Jada Pinkett Smith is soooooooooooo hot =) =) =) And ahahahha, first time i've seen Morpheus unsure of himself. so amusing. and is it me or does Neo upgrade every movie? Like first he's all powerful in the matrix, now he's all powerful outside of the matrix...My only disappointment about this movie is that the thing with the evil guy in Zion didn't get resolved, also that some of the parts in the movie were so predictable. from Neo sitting down with the oracle, to him taking the red candy, to the guy surviving the machine attack...::shrug:: But okay...I sat there listening to fucking LOUD ASS rock music for 20 minutes to see the Matrix Revolutions preview and all I can say is...hot shit. =) and lol...Cause and Effect starts with Choices. That gay ass french dude [who was DAMN funny ranting in accented english AHHAH =)] chose for some odd reasing to effect that whore and make her horny. and the lipstick comment, thats not where she kissed you....omg i was going to die laughing. And lol the Neo+Persephone interaction was funny as hell.
::peck on lips::
Persephone: wtf was that? forget it!
Neo: ::rips off sunglassess: you doubt my performance? what? what? what?
Persephone: ::raise eyebrow:: yeah.
Neo: ::makes out:
hollerific =) and also I was thinking, if she wants to feel what a loving kiss tastes like why doesn't she get one from Trinity =Phttttt and ahahah Persephone, forbidden fruit and all....
okay i promise im done ranting. that was an awesome movie as usual....AHHHHHHHHH gonna find lior to do some analyzation =D =D =D =D =D im perky as hell. you shud shoot me. <3ssss youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuus. now must go enjoy my 4 day wkend.
Utada Hikaru + simple and clean
04:29 p.m.
Archive
Sunday, May 18, 2003.
procrascinating like crazy. im going to DIE. but first i watched an anime Witch Hunter Robin that was absolutely excellent..i have 16 eps more to watch =D =D =D its so depressing and just in your face...i kno its not real but it just feels more real then the life i live now. is that wrong? but ahhhhhhhhh they dress all in a very calm gothic way and the main character Robin is this 15 yr old girl with the funkiest hair that looks like pippy longstocking cept she has two dangly things out of her buns and bangs that eternalyl stay in front of her face and she's so pretty. =] and she's so quiet and depressing/well mannered and yet so cute bcus her magic f-s her vision and when she trys to start a fire she misses =D so her partner gets her glasses and its jus like ::smirk:: so cute. =P And I feel like i'm looking for a plot in the show but there is no plot. but i kno there is, and its prollie about witches being accepted in society and their role in society, mebbe its about a conspiracy within the witch hunters...i don't know. but it has to be good. becus anime like this has to be good =P but okay...i really wanna c Matrix Reloaded and even tho i wanna see it immediatly and scroo school im not going to, im gonna c it after school on Thursday, with my sister as planned, i dunt care if everyone else sees it before me, thats really not the issue. the issue is enjoying it in every way, enjoying the silly philosophies introduced, enjoying the sexy sexy sexy black leather stuff that they wear even if it loox like neo is wearing a skirt =D And most of all its about celebrating their sexy sunglasses =) but okay. done ranting. now must convince self to do work some how, but i don't really...care. Maybe I'll stay up instead? Ack. avoiding work. damn, its jus 2 assignments, it just so happens that they're complicated and I dunt wanna do it! I'm really whiny. goddamn smack me.
but *alright* ima do english now...and do ss later at 12 or sum'n...argh. so little school left and bcus of my sister so much stuff to entertain my self with...why cudnt she come home in June when i actually have TIME to fuck around with anime? damnnnnit. ::weeppps:: but okay. blogging ends my last method of procrascination =D thank you mommy for fixing my blogger cus im too lazy for this shit =X =X =X 0=)
Daniel Bedingfield + If Your Not the One
i jus finished dawson's creek a while earlier and i was just shocked. last year i felt like i was changing so much, but the world around me stayed the same. this year im staying the same but the world around me is changing. I ::HATE:: the passage of time. damn. but I dunno, i dunt think Joey shud've ended up with Dawson OR Pacey. I realize she out of all four of them deserves happiness too but I think she shud've been the one to die. That would be horribly cliche and just punctuate the end to Dawson's Creek. and ahh i love Jen =D I dunnooooo. Joey's not supposed to end up with anyone!!!!!!!! but damn Pacey is swt..and Dawson's just gonna be lonely...that makes me sad and pisses me off...poor Dawson. =P gudbye wb soap opera. =) hahaha okay. well sappy songs and Nas + I Can will be playing all night ::sigh:: and also i can't breathe right now. like my nose is so stuffed im breathing from my mouth and im just like...im gonna suffocate... >.< if only
08:43 p.m.
Archive
Saturday, May 17, 2003.
++mommy: hi mingie.. didn't know what you wanted to do with your tables, so i just unrepeated the bkgd, changed the scrollbar, link colors.. and text/entry format. you wanted arial 8 anyways right? 'cause the arial size 1 just always came out funky >.< hmm not sure how to change anything else though, 'cause it looks so diff in diff resolutions, but hehe.. i changed the line-height too, just not as thin as mine b/c i didn't think you would like that. lol don't wry.. your layout doesn't have me stamped all over it [or, not really :x]. enjoy :)
01:21 p.m.
Archive
Thursday, May 15, 2003.
after a long long hiatus....=) this layout just looks BAD either way if u have the 1024 screen, but it loox EHHH when your in 800 so whatever... do whatever you want. =)
Yes mingie is back from the dead. wow. and yea this layout was put together fairly fast so dunt expect much =P, still have yet to change scroll bar, reallie lazy =X but uh yea. I don't know...this year was okay. Grade wise I was satisfied except for stupid SOCIAL STUDIES. ::falls off chair:: Everything was okay I guess, I felt like the silly one, going through silly depressions that make no sense while everyone else it seems had something to complain about. I don't know. But okay let start from the beginning. In the beginning of the year, I was broken hearted. I didn't have the will to do anything any more. Lets look at my english personal essay for quotes =D. I was wistful basically, thinking about possiblities....All these questions haunt me but I can never change them for what is, is. Time has moved on, those frames have passed, the choice has been made for me – willingly or not, that path has been closed to me. While my mind may wonder and my heart may linger, I can only walk on the path before me. A path that had been full of doubt and sadness since the beginning but has become overwhelmingly so this year.....yea so then everything went to hell and I was in a huge ass slump. Oh I tried not to be but I was. ::shrug::
Oh yea...i also lost my writing.......Another thing time took from me was my writing. It had dried up like it never existed in the first place. Time had stolen away my most precious possession…my creativity. It used to be an outlet for pain, sorrow and happiness but over the summer, everything I tried to write came out forced and I eventually gave up. Even now I am still grappling for the proper words to use, to express whatever emotion I am feeling at the moment. Perhaps, therein had lies my problem. I have had no real, strong emotion for the past 9 months, I’ve been trying to block out pain and sadness so hard, in order to try to get back to normal, but in the end, I am but an emotionless shadow of my past self. An empty useless shell that can’t write and is reduced to reading the beautiful writing of everyone else and fuming over it…desperate for times that have gone.
And then it went further down hilll......What does one do when one is depressed beyond belief? When just about everything is taken away from you, and everything that can go wrong, goes wrong and it’s just impossible to try to get everything back in order? I was pushed too hard and my grades were falling too fast for me to catch them, my tears weren’t shedding themselves and became irritating. That day, one of my treasured, kind-hearted friends, who had grown a little distant, seemed to notice that I slammed my locker with a little more force then necessary. That day was a nice bonding day, both of us felt like something the cat threw up and urinated on. So we went over to where we thought the grass was greener. Yup more vibrant emeralds over here, if it wasn’t for all that smoke fogging up the whole place...I suppose I wouldn’t have really done anything, I am truly such a good little girl at heart, it’s disgusting. However, that only emphasizes how far gone and desperate I was. How dark of a day… It was the end of the road, as far from my "cheery" self as it could get. However I am thankful for having my friend to pull me back – and grateful for the opportunity to pull her back occasionally. And together we drifted back to "sanity". Well, what can be considered sanity…for the depressed.
I don’t know what the turning point was. But when you’ve reached the bottom, you know you’ve reached the bottom. The view wasn’t so great from down there and somehow I received the strength and the grace to pull out of the Endless Pit of Adolescent Idiots. Maybe it was the report card and the tongue lashing I suffered for it. Maybe Santa gave me an epiphany for Christmas instead of a lump of coal because I looked pathetic enough to try to eat the coal, hoping I would choke and die. Maybe God intervened. Maybe I had been down in the Endless Pit of Adolescent Idiots for too long and the monsters didn’t like me so they threw me back up here. But maybe it was just an inevitable pardon that time granted me. With it, I fell back into my normal routine again. Time started again, I came out of an eternal limbo that I never knew I walked in.
And crawling slowly out......That eternal limbo felt like a skillful trap my mind had unwittingly set for itself in order to preserve the past and struggle against the passage of time. I was able to clamber out partially due to my other beloved friends. I had always wanted to help my friends…no matter what state I was in. Whether depressed to the point of aching for sharp pointy things or cheerful to the point of bouncing off of walls. I had always loved my friends and couldn’t stand it when they were sad. Maybe that was the key to my salvation. I gradually realized I was slowly wasting away. I had become a shadow, eating, “doing” homework to the middle of the night even though I would’ve finished at 6 in the evening [as opposed to at dawn] if I wasn’t so listless.
And so I slowly got dragged out, got sick and tired of everything and I was back to sanity. Well I have been back. But I've been wavering back and forth ::shrug:: But yes contrary to belief there was a reason I chopped off my hair, certainly not for fashion. >.< I relieving myself of the past basically. And starting over. again. >.< I'm tired of wavering its irritating. i'm tired of not trying and saying i'll try harder next time....there are no next times. I'm doing well. now. and thats how it will be. Or in theory =P I dunnoo, well chopping off my hair has gotten me to blog again...:shrug:: I want to be focused, straight toward my goals [WHAT GOALS??????] and not be so....pathetic? full of apathy as I was in the beginning of the year? Ehh, maybe this is why I don't enjoy looking back...all I see is darkness and friends. ::sigh:: Friends waver, I waver, I push people away sometimes unmeaningly, I lock myself away sometimes unmeaningly but if you ask, if you talk to me, I promise always to give an answer, if you want help, if you want anything...you have to know that I'd do anything for you guys. My life is not worth much without you, I'm not worth much, one speck of dust in a universe of pain, what can I do? I don't know but I can *try*. Feel free to yell at me, bitch at me etc etc, everyone needs some release right? =) and for the last thing I wanted to blog about
I was doing my SHORT bio lab like a good little girl, I was readign the text book, I look down I see this brown, less than a cm long thing on my index finger and it has lines on it and is segmented. My brain registers this extremely fast I jump up and down, scatter papers, hop hop hop shriek terrifyingly and run out of my room, jumping all the way fearing it was still on me. [oh before this i flip randomly in txtbook BOOM picture of worm/caterpillar mating etc etc YUCKK WTF MY BAD LUCK] and then I hop and jump all the wy downstairs to where my parents are and i hop some more and sob loudly. my mom asks me wth im doin. i say. bug. bug bug YUCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK low pitch grunt whine. I hop and shake some more. I proceed to not do anyhting and hop and whine for a while more while my mother goes up to look for said squirmy thing. Mother dear looks around sees nothing. Mingie goes up, peers into room, shudders runs away and is dragged back. Mingie thinks logically and scans the floor instead of peering on chairs and desks. Immideatly, right near the doorway, Mingie sees a less then a cm long, segmented brown thing. Mingie is frightened in that half a second, and then the tiny segmented thing curves, as in its head BENDS and then mingie is off shrieking and squealing again. Mommy dutifully looks but cannot find. mingie describes in excat details, 2 inches away from door frame, 5 inches to the right and mommy finds, squashes wipes goodbye. Mingy talks to Lizzie Y for 40 minutes to whine and complain and all attempts to get Mingy back in room are useless. Mingy finally crawls back to room, dumps bio txtbook source of all evil, shakes out bio lab and cleans up. Mingy foregos dinner. Mingy does blogger instead. Mingy foregos work, Mingy does blogger instead. So now we have come to the conclusion. What lesson do we learn about Mingy? Mingy can stand spiders, flies and bugs. Let her see an earthworm squirming, a little tiny larvae twitch, a centipede crawl she will fly off a roof and levitate and scream and shriek in insane decibels and did i mention hop? Mingie is an idiot. Mingie iwll do work and weep and moan about her patheticity later. Mingie has much work to be done. <3!!!!!!~~~~~~~~~~~ =)
09:43 p.m.
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Wednesday, March 19, 2003.
...wow i am such a fucking idiot...
04:54 p.m.
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